Archive for self-respect

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by Aya

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Am I Dead?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by Aya
My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Subservient
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
Shaking
In Pain
REtarded and 
Inflamed
Frozen and 
Trapped
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
Immature
I wanted so much for them to be
Mature 
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved