Archive for self healing

Self-Hate Embrace

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Why should I trust you again

I had to love you

Silent wars on you

Couldn’t Breathe without you

Hard to sleep, nightmares about you

How did it feel

Getting your ass handed to you

The Door slammed in your face

At 18 pregnant with me

The memory is in the fibers of matrix

I could probably feel it for you, for us

Everything you said and did I was connected to you

All your snacks attached to me

Coconut Cakes, pickles

Sadness and shame

God she wasn’t on my side

Couldn’t you see it

She wouldn’t let me grow

She wouldn’t let me go

I had to drink the stuff that she is made up of

Poisonous vile acidity hatred

Cut for miles in a molten river down my spine

Some other people swim in my Nile

And we dance together

It’s a side of them

That only I see

I am the Hated ONE

It’s ok to hate me

I don’t understand why come

As fabulous as I am

God made me beautiful, as you can see

I am the the epitome of creativty

My hips are perfectly round

My skin like melt

My heart so soft

My eyes the depth

I like to move

I love to shake

I sing better than the birds

Your heart will melt

I am a mixture of the joy and the pain

I accept them both

I accept my self hatred as part of my growth.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Wasteland Love

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
Come join me in my wasteland
I promise I have a cure
I lure you into my fakeland
No Faceland
empty promiseland
subract and minus and
Void
plus you
There are things you will find
I do it to myself
Questionings, Doubt, can’t feel and don’t move
Scouring and Burning
The sensations devouring
I didn’t mean to
Now that I know
My path is mine to plow
Wasteland, It’s mine to devour
All the horror
All the wandering
The Doubts and Questionings
I have other eras inside this lifetime
I used to spend time with Leon
It was like air back then
Air doesn’t stand still
How do I keep up with the wind
I peak back at us
That ease
Walking down the dirt road
I stand still in my storm
I see three abandoned dogs
Counting the cost in the prairie
Should one, they leave and come with me
Or stay, stay together has a family
What was I thinking?
They will find their own way
They have a family on the farm
They will find their way
Leaving them behind I change but at a slow pace.
 
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Am I Dead?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Subservient
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
Shaking
In Pain
REtarded and 
Inflamed
Frozen and 
Trapped
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
Immature
I wanted so much for them to be
Mature 
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Moving out of Victim Consciousness / Experiencing Discomfort and Goodness

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

The very need to for me to have created a false image in place of my authentic self is a sign that something hurt me very deeply. The sign that my authentic self was judged as wrong or bad and that I took on those beliefs. I wanted to be someone else if the real me was so bad and horrible.  Since everything about me was on display and ridiculed at any given moment I couldn’t enjoy being alive.  My face became sullen so that no one can ever see my emotions, my shoulders have been slumped down because I’m carrying this heavy burden inside, I am realizing that I’ve been barely been breathing. After years of hiding the shame I feel I have now contacted  my true sensations, which is my true self, through somatic experiencing.  When I cut myself off from inner sensation and feelings of aliveness were replaced with getting attention, masturbation, sugar, television, gossip, and etc . . . All very short lived ways to cope with the lack of connection and longing I felt and still feel.

Dr. Peter A. Levine is the author of Healing Trauma and How to Release Trauma and Restore Goodness.  I also have his audio CD’s on Itunes he walks you you through step by step how to go from feeling numb to feeling alive (happy, peace), I started out completely numb and disassociated from any feelings in my body, now I am able to use the good feelings to heal the chaotic mass.

For the past couple of days I have been learning from  Dr. Jewel Pookrum who has been enlightening me on a bunch of topics but what really resonated with me was her lectures on victim consciousness. I decided that I do believe that I experienced cruelity for a reason that is karma related (which is my own personal belief that hasn’t just come about in a couple of days) and when I ask myself what I learned from my n-mom the most miraculous thing happens. I feel as though I am rising above being a victim being. I have began to stop avoiding the uncomfortable sensations when I see a picture of my n-mom in my mind.  Instead I feel the sensations and ask what is this being here to teach me, what am I here to teach her?

This doesn’t mean that I am not an advocate for survivors of abuse being exactly where they are in their process because I believe that I had to absolutely feel every ounce of rage that I had held in for sooooo long. It was eating me up inside and I projected the conflict I feel inside outside of myself in the form of  this everlasting enemy that seemed to be around every corner. Somatic Experiencing has helped me face the horrible sensations, the horrible sensations when allowed to be felt and held in the space of awareness actual turn into light feathery good pleasurable sensations. Sensations don’t have a face or situation, they’re just sensations.

So, now I am off to a silent retreat which is such a poetic love story to myself, from myself  because I feel like I am coming into a new dawn of my experience. I don’t believe there will be any more rants because my new question to myself when I experience something that is uncomfortable is, why did I create this, what can I learn from this?

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved