Archive for process

What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal with tags , , , , , , on October 29, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts. My wounded mother placed a lot of responsibility on me to make her feel good enough and I couldn’t, therefore, she was constantly agitated with what seemed to be me from my perspective as her daughter. What I am learning daily is to take responsibility for my own hurts, wounds, and healing, although, it feels unpleasant, it gets the job of moving from trauma to wholeness done. Anita Baker puts it very sweetly to music in her 1988 hit ‘Good Enough.’ “I just hope you think I’m Good Enough, I hope you think I’m girl enough . . .
As I was walking today I asked that myself some questions. What does it mean to be enough and what does mean to be not good enough? How do I know I feel like I’m not enough? I guess to answer all of those questions its about sensations. I know I feel not good enough because when I go to lets say sing, or better yet to share an idea, a vulnerability, a sacred part of myself, my hearts starts raising, my breathe becomes constricted, I can’t look anyone in the eye, I am getting signals from my body that go to my brain that say there is danger, and my brain turns those signals into words and images that are then interpreted by consciousness as being not good enough. Therefore, I may or may not share myself with others and I’m definitely not motivated to keep moving in those directions with such a scary body sensational and chemical reaction. Here is the healing part. Firstly, I can ask that my mind uncouple the sensations from the images and labeling. Whenever I feel these often time stuck sensations because of what I have learned from somatic experiencing I sit with these sensations and let them arise and pass through my nervous system until I experience some type of relief/release. I do this by tracking my sensations. For example I sit still or lay down some place comfortable and either write, or say these things aloud; I feel a tightness in my back right now, its pounding, its intense, the color is black, I can feel it throbbing, I can feel it getting tighter as I put my awareness on it, I can feel other parts of my body aching, I am having a hard time breathing, I can now feel the tightness in my back releasing, etc . . . You can do this until it is all gone who until you feel like you can’t take any more. Sometimes I ask myself “Can you sit with this sensation for 2 more minutes,” or whatever time makes your mind at ease. Good Enough may just be a since of clear fundamental consciousness, clarity, well being,, a natural state of happiness that is inherent in all of us. Even our N-moms can accomplish this natural state of being if they choose to do the work, they can move from trauma to wholeness and goodness. Have a great day. I hope this helps someone because it’s healing for me to share it with you. Keep going, it gets better and better. = }

In-Love,

Aurora B.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me

Posted in How to Heal, My Childhood, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and total disbelief and was infuriated. I chased her down into the grocery store and confronted her. I asked her what she was doing here, who told her she could come to where I live, and I told her that she knew I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from me. She acted oblivious and innocent saying, “I’m just living my life, what? I didn’t tell the family I was here with you,” as she was hunching her shoulders and putting her arms up like she is on the defense.

One of the most important things that I saw within myself is that I wasn’t afraid to confront her. It was creepy, strange, intrusive, abusive, and I totally called the police when I got home. She was just so “calm” and “normal.” She is stark raving mad, insane, murderous, envious, demonic and she cannot be trusted. I am not buying into that innocent act for one second, what? Has she been following me around town? How the hell did she know that I was coming out of my job and know when just to pop up? I can’t even get into that, as one of my good friends as told me according to A Course in Miracles that is level confusion.I can’t see why the chess pieces are moving the way they are on the chess board of my life.

I went home and I cried out to my roommate in agony and despair at what the hell I’m gonna do now. Intuition told me that she may pop up soon because I am individuating and it (when I say it I am referring to my NM It is a better way to describe the sensation that has had grip on my life for so long because it not only shows up in my relationship with her but in other areas of my life as well) is losing its grip on me, My spirit seems to never be shocked and always seems to just “know” everything before it happens. But the animal in me, my body, was furious and in shock and ready to fight or flight.

So, after a long talk with my friend,Joel, who reminded me of who I am on a spiritual level, which was completely what I needed, my PTSD level went from 5,080 to 25.Image I went inside of my body and began to deal with the real issues at hand. What I learned is that at a physical level, the level of my body, I felt the sensation of not being safe and seeing my NM triggered that sensation. I am feeling fearful that she could gain control over me and that I would have no choice but to completely give up the juice.  Joel (not my friends real name) reminded me that I needed to acknowledge GOD and the heavenly realms who have carried me this far. I found out that my body has the sensation that GOD isn’t near, that is what my mind makes of this sensation.So I sat with this sensation until it wasn’t so dense and was able to come with these conclusions.

I learned that my NM is willing to take things so far to destroy me because she has chosen to not care about GOD, how she dies doesn’t matter to her, her true self is of no concern, it doesn’t give a fuck it is going to go for what it wants, and what it wants is for me to give up my true self become inauthentic and allow it feed off the negative energy field of me having a negative self image as I am holding an energy pattern that is imbalanced, manifested in my body as a wound. I have a choice I don’t have to allow that, and I will not allow it. A deep life lesson.

After seeing it, I felt re – traumatized and trapped in a vortex of choicelessness. When I was a little girl I was so trapped and terrorized by this demon. I didn’t know what was happening to me as a little girl, it dragged me as far as I could let drag away from my true self . I was taken off guard, off balance and eaten alive. And it loved it, while I was small and my essence was still strong it broke down my defenses by using the tactics of  guilt and violence. I surrendered to its wants and desires. It coerced and tormented me into believing that I had no rights and had committed the ultimate sin by fighting back. By the time I was a teen – ager it fed off of me with ease because my natural instinct to fight back was distorted into a ball of energy trapped at the bottom of my back and I no longer had a voice and couldn’t respond to life and was completely directionless. I could only hold onto what I wanted by fantasy and was numb to the danger I was in and how alone I felt.

I’m afraid of losing myself again or not being able to complete my process because this demon is trying to interrupt and get in the way of me growing. I have made some decisions after staying up all night and wrestling with my inner demons. What is of utmost importance to me is completing my process of individuation to wholeness and self acceptance as I am entering into complete joy.

Coming out of the closet and living is the only way. I am An ARtist and I have choices.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved