Archive for narcissistic mother

The Wrong Reflection

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

If people aren’t like you

What are they like?

If  I’m not like you

What am I like?

people can  see me

Can’t they?

I should ask them

“What am I like?”

I need to hear flatteries

Saying nothing about me is just as bad as

Shame triggering poisonous attacks

makes me try harder

to be lovable

Like other people

My reflection’s off

I was trapped in the mirror

The fire of my awareness

Melted the hard walls

allowing me to see

Different directions

Into a maze

The journey is a labyrinth

my psycho experience

my somatic experience

No longer frozen in a reflection

I feel ablazed with sensations.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

I want to be lost

Posted in Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
I want to be lost
I’ve used that as a shield
never before have I looked up to you
and not have to feel sherds of self protection
I don’t want to be hardened
I don’t want that part of my life to be real
I’ve tried to knock myself out
The parts of me that could never fight you
Because I couldn’t understand what was happening
I don’t understand what to do with the sensation
that has to fight
I’m afraid I’m gonna die
So i’ve been trying not to  live

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Fairest of them All . . . Finally

Posted in My Childhood, shorts with tags , , , , , , , on September 29, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

“Hey, when she calls, right, tell her ass that I locked myself in my room, and I’m sitt’in in the corner rock’in  and I’m say’in,” makes retarded gesture and in the ghostly voice says, “whhhy . . . whhy . . . whhhhy.”

The two sisters burst into laughter.

“What the hell!,” Olivia can barely contain her  laughter. “Okay, I’ll do it. Buuut . . . ,” she didn’t understand why she was doing it.

“. . . That’s what she wants to hear right?,” Constance knows that if they do it all types of things will be set into motion, there will be phone calls made and people that she really doesn’t want worried will feel bad. So instead she compromises, “Fine just tell her I’m in a mental hospital.”

“Okaaaay.”

That gives Constance such a warm feeling of peace inside. Finally, she’ll be telling her mother what she has always wanted to hear, that she is lifeless, that she has given up, she can be the best, the winner now, she can be the fairest of them all. The fight and the struggle for Constance’s peace and happiness will be over, she can go on living her life in without worrying if  her mother  is going to be lurking around the corner trying to sabotage the existence of her happiness.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Self-Hate Embrace

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Why should I trust you again

I had to love you

Silent wars on you

Couldn’t Breathe without you

Hard to sleep, nightmares about you

How did it feel

Getting your ass handed to you

The Door slammed in your face

At 18 pregnant with me

The memory is in the fibers of matrix

I could probably feel it for you, for us

Everything you said and did I was connected to you

All your snacks attached to me

Coconut Cakes, pickles

Sadness and shame

God she wasn’t on my side

Couldn’t you see it

She wouldn’t let me grow

She wouldn’t let me go

I had to drink the stuff that she is made up of

Poisonous vile acidity hatred

Cut for miles in a molten river down my spine

Some other people swim in my Nile

And we dance together

It’s a side of them

That only I see

I am the Hated ONE

It’s ok to hate me

I don’t understand why come

As fabulous as I am

God made me beautiful, as you can see

I am the the epitome of creativty

My hips are perfectly round

My skin like melt

My heart so soft

My eyes the depth

I like to move

I love to shake

I sing better than the birds

Your heart will melt

I am a mixture of the joy and the pain

I accept them both

I accept my self hatred as part of my growth.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Am I Dead?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Subservient
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
Shaking
In Pain
REtarded and 
Inflamed
Frozen and 
Trapped
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
Immature
I wanted so much for them to be
Mature 
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 4, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
8 legs in the air frantically frailling
Somebody abandoned the infant
Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway
Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears
Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the
Fire in the bottom of my back
Rage and under – attack
Girl ain’t nobody hurting you
What the hell is wrong with you then?
Un-loving invalidation hypnotizing trauma spin
Full on tank and machine gun invasion
Crashing into the foundation where I sleep
The mirror is repetitive begging before my mom again
Can I stay with you
Can I be with you
Will you take me in
Oh, we aren’t really that close of friends
The vortex that always pulls me into
those beliefs,
those feelings
A whirlpool of energy
Swirling furious energy
I just have to be alone
Be Alone
Within IT – not me
Re-experiencing
unpleasant sensations
Letting go by embracing
Malnourishment
I never had
Never will
Somehow going to hell
Heals
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved