Archive for healthy

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

I want to be lost

Posted in Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
I want to be lost
I’ve used that as a shield
never before have I looked up to you
and not have to feel sherds of self protection
I don’t want to be hardened
I don’t want that part of my life to be real
I’ve tried to knock myself out
The parts of me that could never fight you
Because I couldn’t understand what was happening
I don’t understand what to do with the sensation
that has to fight
I’m afraid I’m gonna die
So i’ve been trying not to  live

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

I am feeling so numb and broken down right now. I feel like some people don’t like me because there is no entry point, I don’t let people “in,” and I demand respect/boundaries. I shut people out and I show them what I want to show them. I told you all that my N-mom was stalking me right? Well, I quit my job because that is where I saw her stalking me. That incident made not want to leave the house and sometimes I’m still scared at night that she may pop up at my home. I went and tried to get my job back and they won’t let me come back, “because of the way I left.” This is really hard for me to take because of the nature of this job, they do what they want to do, it’s very disorganized, but I go up there to do some returns and get my job back and they have already erased me out of the system and I’m not re – hireable. I wanted to fight and argue for a losing battle, for a job that I don’t even really want back, but I decided not to fight just for the sake of fighting, so I’ll look at my triggers instead. Here is what I found.

I went inside my body and found that I feel very tense around my spine and torso area. The memory flashed into my mind of me standing before my mother like I am on trial while she grills me. Every other day she would call me into her room so that she lecture me about things I have done wrong, mistakes I’ve made, my attitude, the dishes, why I can never finish anything, and anything else just so that she could dismiss me and give the cold shoulder, and tell me to get out of her face because I disgust her. I would stand so tall and strong just nodding my head holding onto my own secret feelings and thoughts about what was happening to me. In my life most people don’t give me any sympathy, and I think because of my stance. I come across like I am so strong, like I don’t need anybody. I just never wanted her to see me break down anymore than she had already broken me. It was never enough for her. I lost my will to live and my spirit was broken, she wanted me to lose my mind too. I am starting to see that if I want to live a well balanced life that I have to be empathetic and sympathetic towards myself let those parts of me that I have to be soooo strong break down so that I can live again. Invulnerability really weakens you. Most of my numbness is on my left side, the feminine side. My ability to receive love, appreciation, affection, goodness, compliments, abundance, as been retarded by having to take this stance in order to protect myself from my N-mom. And I have already began to grieve. . .

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved