Archive for healing

What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal with tags , , , , , , on October 29, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts. My wounded mother placed a lot of responsibility on me to make her feel good enough and I couldn’t, therefore, she was constantly agitated with what seemed to be me from my perspective as her daughter. What I am learning daily is to take responsibility for my own hurts, wounds, and healing, although, it feels unpleasant, it gets the job of moving from trauma to wholeness done. Anita Baker puts it very sweetly to music in her 1988 hit ‘Good Enough.’ “I just hope you think I’m Good Enough, I hope you think I’m girl enough . . .
As I was walking today I asked that myself some questions. What does it mean to be enough and what does mean to be not good enough? How do I know I feel like I’m not enough? I guess to answer all of those questions its about sensations. I know I feel not good enough because when I go to lets say sing, or better yet to share an idea, a vulnerability, a sacred part of myself, my hearts starts raising, my breathe becomes constricted, I can’t look anyone in the eye, I am getting signals from my body that go to my brain that say there is danger, and my brain turns those signals into words and images that are then interpreted by consciousness as being not good enough. Therefore, I may or may not share myself with others and I’m definitely not motivated to keep moving in those directions with such a scary body sensational and chemical reaction. Here is the healing part. Firstly, I can ask that my mind uncouple the sensations from the images and labeling. Whenever I feel these often time stuck sensations because of what I have learned from somatic experiencing I sit with these sensations and let them arise and pass through my nervous system until I experience some type of relief/release. I do this by tracking my sensations. For example I sit still or lay down some place comfortable and either write, or say these things aloud; I feel a tightness in my back right now, its pounding, its intense, the color is black, I can feel it throbbing, I can feel it getting tighter as I put my awareness on it, I can feel other parts of my body aching, I am having a hard time breathing, I can now feel the tightness in my back releasing, etc . . . You can do this until it is all gone who until you feel like you can’t take any more. Sometimes I ask myself “Can you sit with this sensation for 2 more minutes,” or whatever time makes your mind at ease. Good Enough may just be a since of clear fundamental consciousness, clarity, well being,, a natural state of happiness that is inherent in all of us. Even our N-moms can accomplish this natural state of being if they choose to do the work, they can move from trauma to wholeness and goodness. Have a great day. I hope this helps someone because it’s healing for me to share it with you. Keep going, it gets better and better. = }

In-Love,

Aurora B.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Wrong Reflection

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

If people aren’t like you

What are they like?

If  I’m not like you

What am I like?

people can  see me

Can’t they?

I should ask them

“What am I like?”

I need to hear flatteries

Saying nothing about me is just as bad as

Shame triggering poisonous attacks

makes me try harder

to be lovable

Like other people

My reflection’s off

I was trapped in the mirror

The fire of my awareness

Melted the hard walls

allowing me to see

Different directions

Into a maze

The journey is a labyrinth

my psycho experience

my somatic experience

No longer frozen in a reflection

I feel ablazed with sensations.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Fairest of them All . . . Finally

Posted in My Childhood, shorts with tags , , , , , , , on September 29, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

“Hey, when she calls, right, tell her ass that I locked myself in my room, and I’m sitt’in in the corner rock’in  and I’m say’in,” makes retarded gesture and in the ghostly voice says, “whhhy . . . whhy . . . whhhhy.”

The two sisters burst into laughter.

“What the hell!,” Olivia can barely contain her  laughter. “Okay, I’ll do it. Buuut . . . ,” she didn’t understand why she was doing it.

“. . . That’s what she wants to hear right?,” Constance knows that if they do it all types of things will be set into motion, there will be phone calls made and people that she really doesn’t want worried will feel bad. So instead she compromises, “Fine just tell her I’m in a mental hospital.”

“Okaaaay.”

That gives Constance such a warm feeling of peace inside. Finally, she’ll be telling her mother what she has always wanted to hear, that she is lifeless, that she has given up, she can be the best, the winner now, she can be the fairest of them all. The fight and the struggle for Constance’s peace and happiness will be over, she can go on living her life in without worrying if  her mother  is going to be lurking around the corner trying to sabotage the existence of her happiness.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 4, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
8 legs in the air frantically frailling
Somebody abandoned the infant
Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway
Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears
Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the
Fire in the bottom of my back
Rage and under – attack
Girl ain’t nobody hurting you
What the hell is wrong with you then?
Un-loving invalidation hypnotizing trauma spin
Full on tank and machine gun invasion
Crashing into the foundation where I sleep
The mirror is repetitive begging before my mom again
Can I stay with you
Can I be with you
Will you take me in
Oh, we aren’t really that close of friends
The vortex that always pulls me into
those beliefs,
those feelings
A whirlpool of energy
Swirling furious energy
I just have to be alone
Be Alone
Within IT – not me
Re-experiencing
unpleasant sensations
Letting go by embracing
Malnourishment
I never had
Never will
Somehow going to hell
Heals
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Ghost

Posted in Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on August 2, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
What is this Ghost that haunts, taunts, and paralyzes
Subtle
Powerful
Threatening
A glance
No presence
Presence in only a certain way
For the rest of your life
It never leaves you
Just like a mother shouldn’t
Off Balance
Not Well Enough
No place in the World Ghost
Vacancy where self – assured – ness
This Ghost is so smooth
You question you not It
This Ghost is sneaky
Only you see THAT side of It
The Ghost overtakes to you
Your Power and knowledge is the Ghost enemy
Some children see it and some don’t
Clouding up my days
Chaining my doors closed at Night
Terrified to really exist
The more I exist the more of the Ghost I have to face
Too Ilusory
Exorcise
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

BEINGness Lost and Found – Somatic Experience

Posted in How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

The consistent abuse that narcissistic parents inflict on their children is imposing on our emotional, mental, psychic, and physical sense of being. However you are naturally inclined to BE is wrong. They way you talk is wrong, the way you walk is wrong, the way you eat is wrong, the way you smile is wrong, they way you think is wrong, your ideas are bad, your need for connection is weak, your dreams aren’t realistic, your desire for sex is evil, and the list can can on for pages. What naturally happens is that instead of BEing who you are, your truth self goes underground. In order to keep in contact with my true Self  I would go into in a fantasy world, where I could be myself. I would sing and dance to imaginary crowds, keeping True SELF alive somehow. I had to sneak and be me.

I became guilt ridden because of the shame I felt from being attacked and labeled as a bad person, not being able to do anything right, not being able to connect with them (my N-mom and my enabling Inverted N-step dad) maybe me feel so desperate. My heart bled and I would cry out to them in agony, write long letters expressing how I felt. By the time I was in 9th grade I was at the end of my rope, completely drained of my self – love and naturally healthy self – image, I felt hopeless that I could make anything of myself and out of life. I felt trapped under a dark cloud.

From 3rd grade to 8th grade I lived in St. Louis. Throughout my childhood I longed for a home and a sense of security. I longed for long time friends and place that I could call home. When I was in elementary school I would draw my dream home and read stories of girls who had best friends and went to summer camps. I dreamed of having that for myself. By my last year in junior high that dream had come true. I had friends, they weren’t perfect, but I grew up with them, I had a school full of teachers that knew me, the high school I was going to recruited me to be on the track team, I had plans to go to college for fashion design, I was known by teachers and students as a studios person who loved to sing. I felt at home somewhere, at least a little bit. When I found out we were moving to Florida I had mixed emotions. We lived in a part of the St. Louis that was called Murderville, I can’t believe that I have actually experienced two drive-by shootings. It wasn’t a safe place to have a family. So, I was not unhappy about the move to sunny Florida I was sad about leaving a foundation that I had finally gotten a chance to build. Of course I could not express any of this to my N-parents. They had no clue about the things that made me tick, happy, content, sad, mad, or any part of my inner life because I had learned to keep all of that to myself because it hurt so bad to be ridiculed. When I came home, I went straight into the basement into my room. I tried my best to stay out of their way, I barely wanted to come upstairs to eat or use the bathroom because It felt so bad to be around them, I had to walk egg shells.

The day we moved was the most devastating day of my life because it was the beginning of the end of my secret hope I had for my future. My god-mother bought me a sewing machine after she found out that was busy learning how to sew from my librarian after school. I actually made my own Easter dress that year. I was so proud. We were moving everything into the van to make a trek across the country and I went to get my sewing machine but my dumb-ass non-dad told me to leave it because there was no room. I begged him and told him that I would hold it on my lap. I cried the whole way to my Grandmothers house. I was seething with rage, crying, and looking out the window not speaking to anyone. I changed that day into someone who didn’t care about life or my future. My masculine energy was thwarted and had turned in against itself because I couldn’t express how much I hated them for what they had done to me, I felt like nobody cared about me. Entering into High School in Florida, I didn’t care about my grades, I started stealing, my character is still in a lot ways unrecognizable from the little girl that so willing to share, and open to life and all its possibilities. I still don’t understand why they wanted me to die inside. I hate them for doing that me. My sewing machine symbolized my life and my future, they didn’t care about my life, I did. I guess that’s what they wanted to take away from me.

I experienced some very strong reactions and emotions to what was happening to me and around. I had to stuff it all down, and would get yelled at, made fun of, and ridiculed for being lost and depressed . They would call me into their room to ‘talk’ to me often pretending to be concerned when they were really just taunting me. They were happy to see me without my True Essence, they had won the battle of their shame not being triggered when they were around me.  Once they asked, “What’s wrong with you, you spend a lot of time in that room, we have a question we want to ask you, you’re not doing drugs in that room, are you?” They were cute, weren’t they? AH he he he HELL!!!!!!

I read forums and blogs and a lot of us ask how, how does it get better, how do we change, how do we get back on the horse and a get a leash on life? The question to me is how do we get back to  BEINGNESS? The abuse we experienced was a direct attack on our feminine energy, on our human BEINGNESS. Our right to be human BEINGS was trampled and ran over.  And replaced with a since that something is wrong, if you believe that something is wrong, what do you try to do? Fix it.  Which leads you on an often exhaustive journey through positive affirmations, intense meditation, reikidoodle do, have strange people put their hands on us, ♪♫gu-ra- la – la is the way that we rock when doing our thing♪♫, I’m being funny, but those methods just don’t get in there when there has been chronic traumatic abuse. And I have experienced and I’m sure many of you have as well, speaking out and expressing that this isn’t work for me and people in those circles that you are reaching out to tell you in short that you’re wrong and a bad seed because its not working for you.

If you are reading this then you are most likely done with trying to FIX. You are ready to let yourself BE. You are ready to accept the uncomfortable thought forms, sensations, emotions, screams you feel inside, and you realize that all there is left to do is to let it BE by laying still, letting whatever comes up when its ready and listening to the wounds. You do that by doing just that. Feel uncomfortable, lay in the tub, or where you feel most comfortable and let yourself FEEL ALL the uncomfortableness that comes up from within. Feel where it is in your body, let the thoughts roll in, let the resistance come up, let your resistance of your resistance be there. There are layers and layers of sensations, feelings, thoughts, and stories to go along with each wave, but you can’t fix it you can just be with it. If you haven’t tried it, try it, and let me know how it goes. For those of you who have done this work and just needed a reminder, you’re welcome ♥

A modality that has worked for me is called Somatic Experiencing, term coined by Dr. Peter A. Levine. I don’t want to get into the method because I know I want to do it justice but he goes into the depth of  what letting your trauma BE is all about and what’s going inside of you and why you feel the way you do. I want to be meet this man, I will kiss him when I do. The book “In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness,” has change my life forever Along with reading the blogs and articles of all the brave women and some men online who are truly doing the work. If it wasn’t for all of you I would feel so alone. Thank you.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved