Archive for Growing up

Am I Dead?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by Aya
My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
In Pain
REtarded and 
Frozen and 
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
I wanted so much for them to be
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Intimidation is a Trick, a Scandal, and a Lie

Posted in My Childhood, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2011 by Aya

My abuser used intimidation to make me feel like I wasn’t free.  It (the feeling of being intimidated) makes me turn away from approaching certain areas of myself inside my body. I feel a since of fight or flight whenever I feel like being happy, enjoying my day, being pretty, singing a song, being spontaneous, something makes me turn away from experiencing arousal, play, or fun.

Her coldness, her steely glare, her standing over me with her hands on hips all to show me that I wasn’t in charge of how I felt inside, she felt that she had all the right to take over my space. When I was a little kid she paid me no mind. When I began to become a woman and my animus began to sprout she always wanted to fight me and intimidate. She did this until I was completely submissive.

Because she couldn’t handle seeing what she didn’t have I couldn’t grow up. I couldn’t get comfortable in my own skin, I couldn’t house my own body. To keep her from antagonizing me everyday I had to be vacant. Nobody was home. I talked to myself, I stayed in my room, I only came out when she called on me, I gave up all activities that I enjoyed. She beat the spirit out of me.

For the longest time I haven’t been able to speak up when I talk to people, I can’t find the right words to say, I don’t know how to animate my body most of the time. I love to sing, but I can’t sing around people, I love to dance and I’m afraid to move.

Intimidation made me feel like I’m not allowed to be here in this world as myself. It made me believe that everything I do is wrong, something is wrong with me and how I am. and I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s all a lie, a trick, and abuse by someone who is too weak to see that if something triggers her she should go about finding out how to change within herself. Its not my responsibility to twist myself like a pretzel so that you can feel secure in your space. All space is not your space. That is what people who intimidate children need to here. All of space does not belong to you, I deserve to be here and be myself.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

People Pleasing and the Rearing of Pre – eminent Death (Mars in the 12th house Transit)

Posted in Astrology, How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2011 by Aya

Mars in the 12th house gives you the potential of a wound that is full of rage from a secret enemy that is very close to home. The 12th house is a psychic blind spot, in order to stave off the truth of who they are really enraged with Mars in the 12th house people are often people-pleasers because facing this enemy is too painful and may mean death psychically.

Last night I was up making psychic life decisions (that is usual as of late). Come to find out Mars is transiting my Mars placement in the 12th house, so, I haven’t really been able to do anything but meditate and rash out what is really important to me psychically. Questions that have come to mind have not only been about what am I doing to make myself happy or am I doing what is in my best interest but what channels are these decisions flowing through?

I may be going after what I want but I still feel some obligation to make others happy which often times puts a damper on what I am doing and the effects are wet blanketed, I don’t feel like a champion but a scared little girl with loads of guilt and self – doubt. I don’t feel in control or settled with in my soul I feel like I could back slide or take back my sovereignty depending on a look or temper tantrum someone may throw at me. My balance has been dependant upon whether or not other people around me feel balanced and not me within myself.

So I died a little last night (this is the 2nd time this week mind you that I have felt the panic of death). Again, Mars in the 12th house transit. Example, I may be getting a 2nd job but they want me to work hours that clash with the job I already have. I would have to tell my bosses at my 1st job that I have to change my schedule and I was anticipating a sigh of displeasure or maybe a lecture of somee sort, which sent me into panic mode on the inside. “Oh my God! I’m not going to please these people, how I can say it, should I just leave a note?” Anything to not face her reactions and so that I don’t have to face the fear I have of standing my ground.

Living in a home with a underdeveloped 5 year old as a mother where nothing I did  pleased her and everything was  my fault has left me feeling responsible for other peoples feelings, like I directly impact other’s state of being while my state of being is in a constant state of influx. (run on sentence)

My psyche was making me face this dysfunction I grew up with and leading me me to take my power back.  I am brave enough to face my fears and do what I need to do but last night what happened in the after effects of the death is that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore while I do what’s right for me. I know I am not wrong and I don’t have to feel guilty or walk away feeling afraid that I am going to lose anything, like a friend, or job, or the feeling that someone likes you. I have security within myself because I digested the fear of not pleasing people and feel a since of well being even if people who feel entitled to be pleased don’t feel pleased by me. I have a better developed system within me to be able to stay balanced. I am growing up and will not be participating in these immature patterns any longer. Man, I love healing!

Rant #1

Posted in Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2011 by Aya

Are all Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers coming out of the closet? Damn. Minus well. I mean you’ve got to at some point because that is part of the abuse for you to hold in all your goods, to feel like you are a bad person for having a voice and speaking the truth. Your voice, your intentions, and your world are all under survelliance and being questioned by these people 24/7 if they are your parent(s).  And sadly as a little person when they are all you’ve got in the world its a cold connection to them that you mistake as you. I could not have realized when i was in my teens the dire effects this abuse would have on my life as an adult even though I held on to myself secretly deep down inside.

Now that I am doing my damnest to make a real life for myself, doing real things that I truly desire to do, putting my heart into my life again all I can feel is this perverse self-hatred. On my left side, in my shoulders, my back where my heart is located, up my neck to the left side of my head I feel this attachment. The message from the attachment is that everything I do is hated, is going to be hated, and I minus well give up because no one is going to support me, everyone hates me  just because I’m me. And its been my pattern, that is part of my mothers message to me my whole life. Anything that I put my heart into, that I held dear, that I felt confident in she pillaged from me, right in front of my face and then would pretend like she didn’t know why I hated my life and felt like I wanted to die.

This is an awful feeling and I am so glad to pin point what it is that has been driving me insane for the past couple of days since I started this Art group of For the past 2 days I have been driving myself crazy thinking my intentions are bad, (had to stop typing to sob), and I have been checking my ego like crazy and making sure I am starting my art group for all the right reasons. Granted, I have lived in a fantasy world most of life and my ego can get out of hand because I’m used to wanting to be more than what I am and often times making myself less than what I am so that I won’t trigger these crazy ass feelings of guilt, isolation, and shame for being who I am and living.  This is just the beginning of my individuation and healing my masculine side, animus. (I actually had a dream that I had a penis and I was getting head from someone I didn’t see. Then it turned into some kind of sex party. It was funny because the girls were flouncing on top of it and I was squinting because I was afraid it would hurt. I looked up what a woman having a penis in a dream meant and meant that my masculine energy is starting to develop = )

That brings me to the reason I am starting this blog. I AM P.A.M. stands for I am Performing As Myself! The Art group I am starting is called I AM P.A.M Art Group. It is for Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s) and all sensitve types who are working their asses off to get back into their own sacred space that was infringed upon by people who are evil, ignorant and don’t want anyone to exist around them that tarnishes their view that they are the most powerful thing walking. I’m tired of this shit, and I want to do everything I can to empower myself and others with this blog, my Art Group, the music I make, and the products I will sell. We deserve to be here too! I was the one who took care of all of my mother’s 4 other children, washed clothes, cleaned the house, stayed in my room on call, and stayed psychologically right where she wanted me, all while thinking that I am the problem. No matter how she tries to tarnish my image in the outside world or how many of my family members are enmeshed with her I refuse to stop fighting for my life. end rant.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved