What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 4, 2012 by Aya
8 legs in the air frantically frailling
Somebody abandoned the infant
Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway
Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears
Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the
Fire in the bottom of my back
Rage and under – attack
Girl ain’t nobody hurting you
What the hell is wrong with you then?
Un-loving invalidation hypnotizing trauma spin
Full on tank and machine gun invasion
Crashing into the foundation where I sleep
The mirror is repetitive begging before my mom again
Can I stay with you
Can I be with you
Will you take me in
Oh, we aren’t really that close of friends
The vortex that always pulls me into
those beliefs,
those feelings
A whirlpool of energy
Swirling furious energy
I just have to be alone
Be Alone
Within IT – not me
Re-experiencing
unpleasant sensations
Letting go by embracing
Malnourishment
I never had
Never will
Somehow going to hell
Heals
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Ghost

Posted in Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on August 2, 2012 by Aya
What is this Ghost that haunts, taunts, and paralyzes
Subtle
Powerful
Threatening
A glance
No presence
Presence in only a certain way
For the rest of your life
It never leaves you
Just like a mother shouldn’t
Off Balance
Not Well Enough
No place in the World Ghost
Vacancy where self – assured – ness
This Ghost is so smooth
You question you not It
This Ghost is sneaky
Only you see THAT side of It
The Ghost overtakes to you
Your Power and knowledge is the Ghost enemy
Some children see it and some don’t
Clouding up my days
Chaining my doors closed at Night
Terrified to really exist
The more I exist the more of the Ghost I have to face
Too Ilusory
Exorcise
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Moving out of Victim Consciousness / Experiencing Discomfort and Goodness

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2012 by Aya

The very need to for me to have created a false image in place of my authentic self is a sign that something hurt me very deeply. The sign that my authentic self was judged as wrong or bad and that I took on those beliefs. I wanted to be someone else if the real me was so bad and horrible.  Since everything about me was on display and ridiculed at any given moment I couldn’t enjoy being alive.  My face became sullen so that no one can ever see my emotions, my shoulders have been slumped down because I’m carrying this heavy burden inside, I am realizing that I’ve been barely been breathing. After years of hiding the shame I feel I have now contacted  my true sensations, which is my true self, through somatic experiencing.  When I cut myself off from inner sensation and feelings of aliveness were replaced with getting attention, masturbation, sugar, television, gossip, and etc . . . All very short lived ways to cope with the lack of connection and longing I felt and still feel.

Dr. Peter A. Levine is the author of Healing Trauma and How to Release Trauma and Restore Goodness.  I also have his audio CD’s on Itunes he walks you you through step by step how to go from feeling numb to feeling alive (happy, peace), I started out completely numb and disassociated from any feelings in my body, now I am able to use the good feelings to heal the chaotic mass.

For the past couple of days I have been learning from  Dr. Jewel Pookrum who has been enlightening me on a bunch of topics but what really resonated with me was her lectures on victim consciousness. I decided that I do believe that I experienced cruelity for a reason that is karma related (which is my own personal belief that hasn’t just come about in a couple of days) and when I ask myself what I learned from my n-mom the most miraculous thing happens. I feel as though I am rising above being a victim being. I have began to stop avoiding the uncomfortable sensations when I see a picture of my n-mom in my mind.  Instead I feel the sensations and ask what is this being here to teach me, what am I here to teach her?

This doesn’t mean that I am not an advocate for survivors of abuse being exactly where they are in their process because I believe that I had to absolutely feel every ounce of rage that I had held in for sooooo long. It was eating me up inside and I projected the conflict I feel inside outside of myself in the form of  this everlasting enemy that seemed to be around every corner. Somatic Experiencing has helped me face the horrible sensations, the horrible sensations when allowed to be felt and held in the space of awareness actual turn into light feathery good pleasurable sensations. Sensations don’t have a face or situation, they’re just sensations.

So, now I am off to a silent retreat which is such a poetic love story to myself, from myself  because I feel like I am coming into a new dawn of my experience. I don’t believe there will be any more rants because my new question to myself when I experience something that is uncomfortable is, why did I create this, what can I learn from this?

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2012 by Aya

I am feeling so numb and broken down right now. I feel like some people don’t like me because there is no entry point, I don’t let people “in,” and I demand respect/boundaries. I shut people out and I show them what I want to show them. I told you all that my N-mom was stalking me right? Well, I quit my job because that is where I saw her stalking me. That incident made not want to leave the house and sometimes I’m still scared at night that she may pop up at my home. I went and tried to get my job back and they won’t let me come back, “because of the way I left.” This is really hard for me to take because of the nature of this job, they do what they want to do, it’s very disorganized, but I go up there to do some returns and get my job back and they have already erased me out of the system and I’m not re – hireable. I wanted to fight and argue for a losing battle, for a job that I don’t even really want back, but I decided not to fight just for the sake of fighting, so I’ll look at my triggers instead. Here is what I found.

I went inside my body and found that I feel very tense around my spine and torso area. The memory flashed into my mind of me standing before my mother like I am on trial while she grills me. Every other day she would call me into her room so that she lecture me about things I have done wrong, mistakes I’ve made, my attitude, the dishes, why I can never finish anything, and anything else just so that she could dismiss me and give the cold shoulder, and tell me to get out of her face because I disgust her. I would stand so tall and strong just nodding my head holding onto my own secret feelings and thoughts about what was happening to me. In my life most people don’t give me any sympathy, and I think because of my stance. I come across like I am so strong, like I don’t need anybody. I just never wanted her to see me break down anymore than she had already broken me. It was never enough for her. I lost my will to live and my spirit was broken, she wanted me to lose my mind too. I am starting to see that if I want to live a well balanced life that I have to be empathetic and sympathetic towards myself let those parts of me that I have to be soooo strong break down so that I can live again. Invulnerability really weakens you. Most of my numbness is on my left side, the feminine side. My ability to receive love, appreciation, affection, goodness, compliments, abundance, as been retarded by having to take this stance in order to protect myself from my N-mom. And I have already began to grieve. . .

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Rant #3 – Run Bitch Run

Posted in Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 11, 2012 by Aya

What runs me is the programming that my mother relentlessly and violently punked into me. Which is let go of everything and let me tell you who you are and how to be. Don’t touch nothing, don’t do anything, don’t want anything, unless it is authorized by me, and that will be hardly ever.

RAGE . . .

Once I figured out and got in touch with my true RAGE I saw her fleeing from me in terror of her own death.

You Bitch . You low down filthy scum of a BITCH. I HATE you. You better run.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

BEINGness Lost and Found – Somatic Experience

Posted in How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2012 by Aya

The consistent abuse that narcissistic parents inflict on their children is imposing on our emotional, mental, psychic, and physical sense of being. However you are naturally inclined to BE is wrong. They way you talk is wrong, the way you walk is wrong, the way you eat is wrong, the way you smile is wrong, they way you think is wrong, your ideas are bad, your need for connection is weak, your dreams aren’t realistic, your desire for sex is evil, and the list can can on for pages. What naturally happens is that instead of BEing who you are, your truth self goes underground. In order to keep in contact with my true Self  I would go into in a fantasy world, where I could be myself. I would sing and dance to imaginary crowds, keeping True SELF alive somehow. I had to sneak and be me.

I became guilt ridden because of the shame I felt from being attacked and labeled as a bad person, not being able to do anything right, not being able to connect with them (my N-mom and my enabling Inverted N-step dad) maybe me feel so desperate. My heart bled and I would cry out to them in agony, write long letters expressing how I felt. By the time I was in 9th grade I was at the end of my rope, completely drained of my self – love and naturally healthy self – image, I felt hopeless that I could make anything of myself and out of life. I felt trapped under a dark cloud.

From 3rd grade to 8th grade I lived in St. Louis. Throughout my childhood I longed for a home and a sense of security. I longed for long time friends and place that I could call home. When I was in elementary school I would draw my dream home and read stories of girls who had best friends and went to summer camps. I dreamed of having that for myself. By my last year in junior high that dream had come true. I had friends, they weren’t perfect, but I grew up with them, I had a school full of teachers that knew me, the high school I was going to recruited me to be on the track team, I had plans to go to college for fashion design, I was known by teachers and students as a studios person who loved to sing. I felt at home somewhere, at least a little bit. When I found out we were moving to Florida I had mixed emotions. We lived in a part of the St. Louis that was called Murderville, I can’t believe that I have actually experienced two drive-by shootings. It wasn’t a safe place to have a family. So, I was not unhappy about the move to sunny Florida I was sad about leaving a foundation that I had finally gotten a chance to build. Of course I could not express any of this to my N-parents. They had no clue about the things that made me tick, happy, content, sad, mad, or any part of my inner life because I had learned to keep all of that to myself because it hurt so bad to be ridiculed. When I came home, I went straight into the basement into my room. I tried my best to stay out of their way, I barely wanted to come upstairs to eat or use the bathroom because It felt so bad to be around them, I had to walk egg shells.

The day we moved was the most devastating day of my life because it was the beginning of the end of my secret hope I had for my future. My god-mother bought me a sewing machine after she found out that was busy learning how to sew from my librarian after school. I actually made my own Easter dress that year. I was so proud. We were moving everything into the van to make a trek across the country and I went to get my sewing machine but my dumb-ass non-dad told me to leave it because there was no room. I begged him and told him that I would hold it on my lap. I cried the whole way to my Grandmothers house. I was seething with rage, crying, and looking out the window not speaking to anyone. I changed that day into someone who didn’t care about life or my future. My masculine energy was thwarted and had turned in against itself because I couldn’t express how much I hated them for what they had done to me, I felt like nobody cared about me. Entering into High School in Florida, I didn’t care about my grades, I started stealing, my character is still in a lot ways unrecognizable from the little girl that so willing to share, and open to life and all its possibilities. I still don’t understand why they wanted me to die inside. I hate them for doing that me. My sewing machine symbolized my life and my future, they didn’t care about my life, I did. I guess that’s what they wanted to take away from me.

I experienced some very strong reactions and emotions to what was happening to me and around. I had to stuff it all down, and would get yelled at, made fun of, and ridiculed for being lost and depressed . They would call me into their room to ‘talk’ to me often pretending to be concerned when they were really just taunting me. They were happy to see me without my True Essence, they had won the battle of their shame not being triggered when they were around me.  Once they asked, “What’s wrong with you, you spend a lot of time in that room, we have a question we want to ask you, you’re not doing drugs in that room, are you?” They were cute, weren’t they? AH he he he HELL!!!!!!

I read forums and blogs and a lot of us ask how, how does it get better, how do we change, how do we get back on the horse and a get a leash on life? The question to me is how do we get back to  BEINGNESS? The abuse we experienced was a direct attack on our feminine energy, on our human BEINGNESS. Our right to be human BEINGS was trampled and ran over.  And replaced with a since that something is wrong, if you believe that something is wrong, what do you try to do? Fix it.  Which leads you on an often exhaustive journey through positive affirmations, intense meditation, reikidoodle do, have strange people put their hands on us, ♪♫gu-ra- la – la is the way that we rock when doing our thing♪♫, I’m being funny, but those methods just don’t get in there when there has been chronic traumatic abuse. And I have experienced and I’m sure many of you have as well, speaking out and expressing that this isn’t work for me and people in those circles that you are reaching out to tell you in short that you’re wrong and a bad seed because its not working for you.

If you are reading this then you are most likely done with trying to FIX. You are ready to let yourself BE. You are ready to accept the uncomfortable thought forms, sensations, emotions, screams you feel inside, and you realize that all there is left to do is to let it BE by laying still, letting whatever comes up when its ready and listening to the wounds. You do that by doing just that. Feel uncomfortable, lay in the tub, or where you feel most comfortable and let yourself FEEL ALL the uncomfortableness that comes up from within. Feel where it is in your body, let the thoughts roll in, let the resistance come up, let your resistance of your resistance be there. There are layers and layers of sensations, feelings, thoughts, and stories to go along with each wave, but you can’t fix it you can just be with it. If you haven’t tried it, try it, and let me know how it goes. For those of you who have done this work and just needed a reminder, you’re welcome ♥

A modality that has worked for me is called Somatic Experiencing, term coined by Dr. Peter A. Levine. I don’t want to get into the method because I know I want to do it justice but he goes into the depth of  what letting your trauma BE is all about and what’s going inside of you and why you feel the way you do. I want to be meet this man, I will kiss him when I do. The book “In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness,” has change my life forever Along with reading the blogs and articles of all the brave women and some men online who are truly doing the work. If it wasn’t for all of you I would feel so alone. Thank you.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me

Posted in How to Heal, My Childhood, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2012 by Aya

She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and total disbelief and was infuriated. I chased her down into the grocery store and confronted her. I asked her what she was doing here, who told her she could come to where I live, and I told her that she knew I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from me. She acted oblivious and innocent saying, “I’m just living my life, what? I didn’t tell the family I was here with you,” as she was hunching her shoulders and putting her arms up like she is on the defense.

One of the most important things that I saw within myself is that I wasn’t afraid to confront her. It was creepy, strange, intrusive, abusive, and I totally called the police when I got home. She was just so “calm” and “normal.” She is stark raving mad, insane, murderous, envious, demonic and she cannot be trusted. I am not buying into that innocent act for one second, what? Has she been following me around town? How the hell did she know that I was coming out of my job and know when just to pop up? I can’t even get into that, as one of my good friends as told me according to A Course in Miracles that is level confusion.I can’t see why the chess pieces are moving the way they are on the chess board of my life.

I went home and I cried out to my roommate in agony and despair at what the hell I’m gonna do now. Intuition told me that she may pop up soon because I am individuating and it (when I say it I am referring to my NM It is a better way to describe the sensation that has had grip on my life for so long because it not only shows up in my relationship with her but in other areas of my life as well) is losing its grip on me, My spirit seems to never be shocked and always seems to just “know” everything before it happens. But the animal in me, my body, was furious and in shock and ready to fight or flight.

So, after a long talk with my friend,Joel, who reminded me of who I am on a spiritual level, which was completely what I needed, my PTSD level went from 5,080 to 25.Image I went inside of my body and began to deal with the real issues at hand. What I learned is that at a physical level, the level of my body, I felt the sensation of not being safe and seeing my NM triggered that sensation. I am feeling fearful that she could gain control over me and that I would have no choice but to completely give up the juice.  Joel (not my friends real name) reminded me that I needed to acknowledge GOD and the heavenly realms who have carried me this far. I found out that my body has the sensation that GOD isn’t near, that is what my mind makes of this sensation.So I sat with this sensation until it wasn’t so dense and was able to come with these conclusions.

I learned that my NM is willing to take things so far to destroy me because she has chosen to not care about GOD, how she dies doesn’t matter to her, her true self is of no concern, it doesn’t give a fuck it is going to go for what it wants, and what it wants is for me to give up my true self become inauthentic and allow it feed off the negative energy field of me having a negative self image as I am holding an energy pattern that is imbalanced, manifested in my body as a wound. I have a choice I don’t have to allow that, and I will not allow it. A deep life lesson.

After seeing it, I felt re – traumatized and trapped in a vortex of choicelessness. When I was a little girl I was so trapped and terrorized by this demon. I didn’t know what was happening to me as a little girl, it dragged me as far as I could let drag away from my true self . I was taken off guard, off balance and eaten alive. And it loved it, while I was small and my essence was still strong it broke down my defenses by using the tactics of  guilt and violence. I surrendered to its wants and desires. It coerced and tormented me into believing that I had no rights and had committed the ultimate sin by fighting back. By the time I was a teen – ager it fed off of me with ease because my natural instinct to fight back was distorted into a ball of energy trapped at the bottom of my back and I no longer had a voice and couldn’t respond to life and was completely directionless. I could only hold onto what I wanted by fantasy and was numb to the danger I was in and how alone I felt.

I’m afraid of losing myself again or not being able to complete my process because this demon is trying to interrupt and get in the way of me growing. I have made some decisions after staying up all night and wrestling with my inner demons. What is of utmost importance to me is completing my process of individuation to wholeness and self acceptance as I am entering into complete joy.

Coming out of the closet and living is the only way. I am An ARtist and I have choices.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Intimidation is a Trick, a Scandal, and a Lie

Posted in My Childhood, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2011 by Aya

My abuser used intimidation to make me feel like I wasn’t free.  It (the feeling of being intimidated) makes me turn away from approaching certain areas of myself inside my body. I feel a since of fight or flight whenever I feel like being happy, enjoying my day, being pretty, singing a song, being spontaneous, something makes me turn away from experiencing arousal, play, or fun.

Her coldness, her steely glare, her standing over me with her hands on hips all to show me that I wasn’t in charge of how I felt inside, she felt that she had all the right to take over my space. When I was a little kid she paid me no mind. When I began to become a woman and my animus began to sprout she always wanted to fight me and intimidate. She did this until I was completely submissive.

Because she couldn’t handle seeing what she didn’t have I couldn’t grow up. I couldn’t get comfortable in my own skin, I couldn’t house my own body. To keep her from antagonizing me everyday I had to be vacant. Nobody was home. I talked to myself, I stayed in my room, I only came out when she called on me, I gave up all activities that I enjoyed. She beat the spirit out of me.

For the longest time I haven’t been able to speak up when I talk to people, I can’t find the right words to say, I don’t know how to animate my body most of the time. I love to sing, but I can’t sing around people, I love to dance and I’m afraid to move.

Intimidation made me feel like I’m not allowed to be here in this world as myself. It made me believe that everything I do is wrong, something is wrong with me and how I am. and I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s all a lie, a trick, and abuse by someone who is too weak to see that if something triggers her she should go about finding out how to change within herself. Its not my responsibility to twist myself like a pretzel so that you can feel secure in your space. All space is not your space. That is what people who intimidate children need to here. All of space does not belong to you, I deserve to be here and be myself.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

People Pleasing and the Rearing of Pre – eminent Death (Mars in the 12th house Transit)

Posted in Astrology, How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2011 by Aya

Mars in the 12th house gives you the potential of a wound that is full of rage from a secret enemy that is very close to home. The 12th house is a psychic blind spot, in order to stave off the truth of who they are really enraged with Mars in the 12th house people are often people-pleasers because facing this enemy is too painful and may mean death psychically.

Last night I was up making psychic life decisions (that is usual as of late). Come to find out Mars is transiting my Mars placement in the 12th house, so, I haven’t really been able to do anything but meditate and rash out what is really important to me psychically. Questions that have come to mind have not only been about what am I doing to make myself happy or am I doing what is in my best interest but what channels are these decisions flowing through?

I may be going after what I want but I still feel some obligation to make others happy which often times puts a damper on what I am doing and the effects are wet blanketed, I don’t feel like a champion but a scared little girl with loads of guilt and self – doubt. I don’t feel in control or settled with in my soul I feel like I could back slide or take back my sovereignty depending on a look or temper tantrum someone may throw at me. My balance has been dependant upon whether or not other people around me feel balanced and not me within myself.

So I died a little last night (this is the 2nd time this week mind you that I have felt the panic of death). Again, Mars in the 12th house transit. Example, I may be getting a 2nd job but they want me to work hours that clash with the job I already have. I would have to tell my bosses at my 1st job that I have to change my schedule and I was anticipating a sigh of displeasure or maybe a lecture of somee sort, which sent me into panic mode on the inside. “Oh my God! I’m not going to please these people, how I can say it, should I just leave a note?” Anything to not face her reactions and so that I don’t have to face the fear I have of standing my ground.

Living in a home with a underdeveloped 5 year old as a mother where nothing I did  pleased her and everything was  my fault has left me feeling responsible for other peoples feelings, like I directly impact other’s state of being while my state of being is in a constant state of influx. (run on sentence)

My psyche was making me face this dysfunction I grew up with and leading me me to take my power back.  I am brave enough to face my fears and do what I need to do but last night what happened in the after effects of the death is that I don’t have to feel afraid anymore while I do what’s right for me. I know I am not wrong and I don’t have to feel guilty or walk away feeling afraid that I am going to lose anything, like a friend, or job, or the feeling that someone likes you. I have security within myself because I digested the fear of not pleasing people and feel a since of well being even if people who feel entitled to be pleased don’t feel pleased by me. I have a better developed system within me to be able to stay balanced. I am growing up and will not be participating in these immature patterns any longer. Man, I love healing!

Rant #2

Posted in My Childhood, Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2011 by Aya

I will never call you mother again. I spend most of my thought process thinking of you and why, and why, why would you, how could you, there is no way possible that someone could know what they were doing and kill a child’s spirit, courage, and will to live.

Yes there is, you are living proof for me that there is evil. Everything you did and said to me affected me then and it also affected my future. I AM ENRAGED!!!!!!  Now I will only be asking myself how do I feel, how did that affect me, am I okay?

I see now, that you received a lot of pleasure out of harming me, out of stopping me from completing my plans and doing what is right for me.  It was very pleasurable for you because I fought hard and long and I was very depressed and defeated and you got to feed off of that.  The thought of it literally makes me want to go insane and lose control of myself.

How unnatural, how disgusting, how weak and cheap and predatory, to feed off of your own children. I don’t hate you, I don’t feel anything for you because feelings and even labels of what someone is or isn’t are for humans. And you are not worthy of that label.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved