Archive for the Uncategorized Category

I Made It/ We Made It

Posted in Uncategorized on November 13, 2017 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

I would like to thank you blog. I would like to thank you guys in the comments. I wrote through the self-doubt, tightness, kundalini awakenings, bad and ugly feelings. I did my best to put together the words so that it could make sense to someone else. And I did it. I survived and its been a long trek but I am onward to thriving. I never gave up, the universe is within us all. We don’t have to settle for this low level of life that includes the murdering of our soul. I will never take this blog down. It is for you. It means the world to me to make it through all of this. I know a lot now. I know how to have mother nature be there for me. Mother nature loves me and nourishes me and I have a spiritual team that is there just for me as a human being living on this planet. I know who I am too. I am an active functioning part of the Mother Goddess Consciousness. I am here to help us. I am capable too. I am growing. I am pleased with myself. I have done good work. I have turned lemons into aid.  Peace to you. Peace to us. Within and Without.

My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me

Posted in Uncategorized on June 22, 2014 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Word UP. . . I have to remind myself.

Healing Ambient Abuse

She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and total disbelief and was infuriated. I chased her down into the grocery store and confronted her. I asked her what she was doing here, who told her she could come to where I live, and I told her that she knew I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from me. She acted oblivious and innocent saying, “I’m just living my life, what? I didn’t tell the family I was here with you,” as she was hunching her shoulders and putting her arms up like she is on the defense.

One of…

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The Wrong Reflection

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

If people aren’t like you

What are they like?

If  I’m not like you

What am I like?

people can  see me

Can’t they?

I should ask them

“What am I like?”

I need to hear flatteries

Saying nothing about me is just as bad as

Shame triggering poisonous attacks

makes me try harder

to be lovable

Like other people

My reflection’s off

I was trapped in the mirror

The fire of my awareness

Melted the hard walls

allowing me to see

Different directions

Into a maze

The journey is a labyrinth

my psycho experience

my somatic experience

No longer frozen in a reflection

I feel ablazed with sensations.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

I want to be lost

Posted in Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
I want to be lost
I’ve used that as a shield
never before have I looked up to you
and not have to feel sherds of self protection
I don’t want to be hardened
I don’t want that part of my life to be real
I’ve tried to knock myself out
The parts of me that could never fight you
Because I couldn’t understand what was happening
I don’t understand what to do with the sensation
that has to fight
I’m afraid I’m gonna die
So i’ve been trying not to  live

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Self-Hate Embrace

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Why should I trust you again

I had to love you

Silent wars on you

Couldn’t Breathe without you

Hard to sleep, nightmares about you

How did it feel

Getting your ass handed to you

The Door slammed in your face

At 18 pregnant with me

The memory is in the fibers of matrix

I could probably feel it for you, for us

Everything you said and did I was connected to you

All your snacks attached to me

Coconut Cakes, pickles

Sadness and shame

God she wasn’t on my side

Couldn’t you see it

She wouldn’t let me grow

She wouldn’t let me go

I had to drink the stuff that she is made up of

Poisonous vile acidity hatred

Cut for miles in a molten river down my spine

Some other people swim in my Nile

And we dance together

It’s a side of them

That only I see

I am the Hated ONE

It’s ok to hate me

I don’t understand why come

As fabulous as I am

God made me beautiful, as you can see

I am the the epitome of creativty

My hips are perfectly round

My skin like melt

My heart so soft

My eyes the depth

I like to move

I love to shake

I sing better than the birds

Your heart will melt

I am a mixture of the joy and the pain

I accept them both

I accept my self hatred as part of my growth.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Wasteland Love

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
Come join me in my wasteland
I promise I have a cure
I lure you into my fakeland
No Faceland
empty promiseland
subract and minus and
Void
plus you
There are things you will find
I do it to myself
Questionings, Doubt, can’t feel and don’t move
Scouring and Burning
The sensations devouring
I didn’t mean to
Now that I know
My path is mine to plow
Wasteland, It’s mine to devour
All the horror
All the wandering
The Doubts and Questionings
I have other eras inside this lifetime
I used to spend time with Leon
It was like air back then
Air doesn’t stand still
How do I keep up with the wind
I peak back at us
That ease
Walking down the dirt road
I stand still in my storm
I see three abandoned dogs
Counting the cost in the prairie
Should one, they leave and come with me
Or stay, stay together has a family
What was I thinking?
They will find their own way
They have a family on the farm
They will find their way
Leaving them behind I change but at a slow pace.
 
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved