Archive for the Rants Category

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by Aya

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

I want to be lost

Posted in Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 7, 2013 by Aya
I want to be lost
I’ve used that as a shield
never before have I looked up to you
and not have to feel sherds of self protection
I don’t want to be hardened
I don’t want that part of my life to be real
I’ve tried to knock myself out
The parts of me that could never fight you
Because I couldn’t understand what was happening
I don’t understand what to do with the sensation
that has to fight
I’m afraid I’m gonna die
So i’ve been trying not to  live

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Am I Dead?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by Aya
My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Subservient
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
Shaking
In Pain
REtarded and 
Inflamed
Frozen and 
Trapped
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
Immature
I wanted so much for them to be
Mature 
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 4, 2012 by Aya
8 legs in the air frantically frailling
Somebody abandoned the infant
Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway
Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears
Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the
Fire in the bottom of my back
Rage and under – attack
Girl ain’t nobody hurting you
What the hell is wrong with you then?
Un-loving invalidation hypnotizing trauma spin
Full on tank and machine gun invasion
Crashing into the foundation where I sleep
The mirror is repetitive begging before my mom again
Can I stay with you
Can I be with you
Will you take me in
Oh, we aren’t really that close of friends
The vortex that always pulls me into
those beliefs,
those feelings
A whirlpool of energy
Swirling furious energy
I just have to be alone
Be Alone
Within IT – not me
Re-experiencing
unpleasant sensations
Letting go by embracing
Malnourishment
I never had
Never will
Somehow going to hell
Heals
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Rant #3 – Run Bitch Run

Posted in Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 11, 2012 by Aya

What runs me is the programming that my mother relentlessly and violently punked into me. Which is let go of everything and let me tell you who you are and how to be. Don’t touch nothing, don’t do anything, don’t want anything, unless it is authorized by me, and that will be hardly ever.

RAGE . . .

Once I figured out and got in touch with my true RAGE I saw her fleeing from me in terror of her own death.

You Bitch . You low down filthy scum of a BITCH. I HATE you. You better run.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me

Posted in How to Heal, My Childhood, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2012 by Aya

She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and total disbelief and was infuriated. I chased her down into the grocery store and confronted her. I asked her what she was doing here, who told her she could come to where I live, and I told her that she knew I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from me. She acted oblivious and innocent saying, “I’m just living my life, what? I didn’t tell the family I was here with you,” as she was hunching her shoulders and putting her arms up like she is on the defense.

One of the most important things that I saw within myself is that I wasn’t afraid to confront her. It was creepy, strange, intrusive, abusive, and I totally called the police when I got home. She was just so “calm” and “normal.” She is stark raving mad, insane, murderous, envious, demonic and she cannot be trusted. I am not buying into that innocent act for one second, what? Has she been following me around town? How the hell did she know that I was coming out of my job and know when just to pop up? I can’t even get into that, as one of my good friends as told me according to A Course in Miracles that is level confusion.I can’t see why the chess pieces are moving the way they are on the chess board of my life.

I went home and I cried out to my roommate in agony and despair at what the hell I’m gonna do now. Intuition told me that she may pop up soon because I am individuating and it (when I say it I am referring to my NM It is a better way to describe the sensation that has had grip on my life for so long because it not only shows up in my relationship with her but in other areas of my life as well) is losing its grip on me, My spirit seems to never be shocked and always seems to just “know” everything before it happens. But the animal in me, my body, was furious and in shock and ready to fight or flight.

So, after a long talk with my friend,Joel, who reminded me of who I am on a spiritual level, which was completely what I needed, my PTSD level went from 5,080 to 25.Image I went inside of my body and began to deal with the real issues at hand. What I learned is that at a physical level, the level of my body, I felt the sensation of not being safe and seeing my NM triggered that sensation. I am feeling fearful that she could gain control over me and that I would have no choice but to completely give up the juice.  Joel (not my friends real name) reminded me that I needed to acknowledge GOD and the heavenly realms who have carried me this far. I found out that my body has the sensation that GOD isn’t near, that is what my mind makes of this sensation.So I sat with this sensation until it wasn’t so dense and was able to come with these conclusions.

I learned that my NM is willing to take things so far to destroy me because she has chosen to not care about GOD, how she dies doesn’t matter to her, her true self is of no concern, it doesn’t give a fuck it is going to go for what it wants, and what it wants is for me to give up my true self become inauthentic and allow it feed off the negative energy field of me having a negative self image as I am holding an energy pattern that is imbalanced, manifested in my body as a wound. I have a choice I don’t have to allow that, and I will not allow it. A deep life lesson.

After seeing it, I felt re – traumatized and trapped in a vortex of choicelessness. When I was a little girl I was so trapped and terrorized by this demon. I didn’t know what was happening to me as a little girl, it dragged me as far as I could let drag away from my true self . I was taken off guard, off balance and eaten alive. And it loved it, while I was small and my essence was still strong it broke down my defenses by using the tactics of  guilt and violence. I surrendered to its wants and desires. It coerced and tormented me into believing that I had no rights and had committed the ultimate sin by fighting back. By the time I was a teen – ager it fed off of me with ease because my natural instinct to fight back was distorted into a ball of energy trapped at the bottom of my back and I no longer had a voice and couldn’t respond to life and was completely directionless. I could only hold onto what I wanted by fantasy and was numb to the danger I was in and how alone I felt.

I’m afraid of losing myself again or not being able to complete my process because this demon is trying to interrupt and get in the way of me growing. I have made some decisions after staying up all night and wrestling with my inner demons. What is of utmost importance to me is completing my process of individuation to wholeness and self acceptance as I am entering into complete joy.

Coming out of the closet and living is the only way. I am An ARtist and I have choices.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Intimidation is a Trick, a Scandal, and a Lie

Posted in My Childhood, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2011 by Aya

My abuser used intimidation to make me feel like I wasn’t free.  It (the feeling of being intimidated) makes me turn away from approaching certain areas of myself inside my body. I feel a since of fight or flight whenever I feel like being happy, enjoying my day, being pretty, singing a song, being spontaneous, something makes me turn away from experiencing arousal, play, or fun.

Her coldness, her steely glare, her standing over me with her hands on hips all to show me that I wasn’t in charge of how I felt inside, she felt that she had all the right to take over my space. When I was a little kid she paid me no mind. When I began to become a woman and my animus began to sprout she always wanted to fight me and intimidate. She did this until I was completely submissive.

Because she couldn’t handle seeing what she didn’t have I couldn’t grow up. I couldn’t get comfortable in my own skin, I couldn’t house my own body. To keep her from antagonizing me everyday I had to be vacant. Nobody was home. I talked to myself, I stayed in my room, I only came out when she called on me, I gave up all activities that I enjoyed. She beat the spirit out of me.

For the longest time I haven’t been able to speak up when I talk to people, I can’t find the right words to say, I don’t know how to animate my body most of the time. I love to sing, but I can’t sing around people, I love to dance and I’m afraid to move.

Intimidation made me feel like I’m not allowed to be here in this world as myself. It made me believe that everything I do is wrong, something is wrong with me and how I am. and I shouldn’t even bother trying. It’s all a lie, a trick, and abuse by someone who is too weak to see that if something triggers her she should go about finding out how to change within herself. Its not my responsibility to twist myself like a pretzel so that you can feel secure in your space. All space is not your space. That is what people who intimidate children need to here. All of space does not belong to you, I deserve to be here and be myself.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Rant #2

Posted in My Childhood, Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2011 by Aya

I will never call you mother again. I spend most of my thought process thinking of you and why, and why, why would you, how could you, there is no way possible that someone could know what they were doing and kill a child’s spirit, courage, and will to live.

Yes there is, you are living proof for me that there is evil. Everything you did and said to me affected me then and it also affected my future. I AM ENRAGED!!!!!!  Now I will only be asking myself how do I feel, how did that affect me, am I okay?

I see now, that you received a lot of pleasure out of harming me, out of stopping me from completing my plans and doing what is right for me.  It was very pleasurable for you because I fought hard and long and I was very depressed and defeated and you got to feed off of that.  The thought of it literally makes me want to go insane and lose control of myself.

How unnatural, how disgusting, how weak and cheap and predatory, to feed off of your own children. I don’t hate you, I don’t feel anything for you because feelings and even labels of what someone is or isn’t are for humans. And you are not worthy of that label.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

You Can’t Manipulate Life to get what you Want

Posted in How to Heal, My Childhood, Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2011 by Aya

Growing up I was taught by watching my parents that how you manifest what you want is by trying to manipulate life.  Boy did they scheme, get rich quick plans, ice cream trucks, moving and shaking here and there, promotions at work and they were miserable. My step – father would talk about his dreams but my mother never ever talked about hers. I heard her say once that she wanted to take ballet classes when she was younger but her mother denied her. They weren’t fluid and in the flow of life.

My mother used intimadation to ruin my natural channels and flow with life.  Even though my mother’s life choices were never great and I was sad for lack of connection, I was able manifest everything I wanted for myself in my life even without her help. Others would help me. She was not having it, she watched me like a hawk and made me feel like dog shit in order to keep me from being happy. After a while I gave up on even wanting anything, or expecting anything good to happen for me at all.

This is something that I am seeing as I lay here with myself realizing that there is nothing that I can “do” to make anything happen in my life. I have tried hard to make my dreams come true every since I moved out when I was 18 years old. I just turned 30, I thought that when I escaped everything would just happen for me. Not so fast, smooth or easy, I had no idea the work that needed to done to undo the programming that my mother brainwashed me into by her actions, how she viewed me, and how I was treated. Everything starts from within, with a true desire, with a true passion, the action is automatic.

Now the question is, what do I truly want and desire? I haven’t let myself  know what I wanted with certainty since before my mother started abusing my masculine side (animus) when I was going through puberty.

There was a particular incident that I will never forget. I told my mother I wanted to be a singer when I was 11 or 12 years and she looked down at me with those wild raging eyes and she asked me in a very condescending tone,

“Sooooo, you think that the family is just gonna up and move to California just so that you can sing?,”

I shook my head yes, even though I knew it was the wrong answer, I honestly felt like that would be really cool, and plus I was a smart ass . Then she went in at me.

“You are so selfish, you think you’re all that, nobody is gonna move for you, I have 5 other kids you are not the only one living in this house . . . and etc . . . ”

I remember another time I was practicing really hard to get this brian mknight run from one of his songs, and I shared it with her.  She rolled her eyes at me and had the most evil look on her face as she sled out the room. I didn’t know what hit me.

There was another time, I let her hear a song I had written and all she could say is that’s sad as she walked away from me.

Its so much in the words of the story that are important. It is the sensation I feel in my body that makes the difference in whether or not I truly heal. I can feel this in my upper back. Its a numbing feeling almost as if nothing is there, its a deadening feeling that stops all excitement. Its horrible, its almost as if it didn’t happen but something did happen.

This journey for me has been about self – compassion and self – understanding. As much as I would like to get on with my life and just sing already, now I know why it’s just not so simple. My mother gave me a self – image that I have to uncover and accept those parts of me back into my center. Its based off of her needs, inferiority complex, her never wanting to me thrive so that  I would never leave, she needed everything in her life to match the view of life that she had because if it didn’t she had to destroy. Once she knocked most of the vitality out of me she still wasn’t finished, then I was a loser, I’m nothing, I’m crazy. That thing is vicious.

Oh, how confusing for a little girl.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Rag Doll

Posted in Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2011 by Aya
I am tired of being your rag doll.
I have spread myself far and wide for people who I could never say no to
I have been a rag doll for many men
A slave willingly offering my feminine sexuality
Offering the opening of myself to be engulfed for nothing by nothing
Its because of you mother, my natural predator, I was born to my enemy
Having to grow up and learn that’s its nothing personal
I’ve healed and learned that there is nothing behind all your antics
Your monstrous face
Your intimidating eyes
Your screeching, your yelling, hands on your hips, flailing, and straight up temper tantrums that have haunted me my whole life
Its wrong for me to get angry but permissible for you
Its wrong for me to have wants, needs, and desires but I fulfill yours
As a teen – ager I was obviously worn out
Tired from fighting with you, pleading with you, crying to you, trying to understand you, trying to get you to understand what I needed
For those outburst of self – expression I was shot down, slapped down, and shut up, told I didn’t have a place, a voice, and shouldn’t bother at all to live
Then you had no more use for me, you used me, and started telling my younger siblings that I was crazy
I could barely move
My frontal lobe is worn out because all I had left for me was in fantasy
There is no hope for me and you but there is hope for me
I’ll tell you a little secret that I think you already knew
I held on to myself on the inside and that part you could not control
I face you now again and again, the tears stream out of my eyes
I will make it and be all that I ever thought I could be
I don’t know if I will ever give birth but I will so
Laterally
The rag doll that you once used and toyed with and chewed, and squeezed and scatched
Knows that to become real, you need real love, and I have got plenty of that
I let myself know what my values are and I’m able to appropriately act
I let my body give me signs and post for I am valuable in fact
Emotional violence is very real and it created a scared cowering child
That turned into a scared and cowering adult but I am can healing now
Its hard to see the truth but I’m glad I’ve done it more than not
I will spend  my life as a vigilent adult
And you . . . well you will probaly still be scouring around like a vulture
Looking for your next prey because you can’t birth anymore children
What a wonderful idea for a predator like you
To make energy meals out the children that need and depend on you
And how wonderfully convenient for you to hide behind
The mask you made
Because all the laws are for adults
In the bible the children get laid
Out on floor for the lashings they deserve for being disobedient to the adults
Who apparently know it all
How can a child be disobedient?
In the constitution it says that all men are due rights under the natural laws of God but I guess that doesn’t apply to little people
Children are just the pets of adults
If it wasn’t for what’s acceptable to society and the image that everyone saw
You would easily take the next step after you were finished with your crimes and make sign that said,
“For Sale, Rag Dolls.”
You would sell your children off
Because to you they are not children at all
And this is where my understanding ends and perhaps you can take over and fill in because I will never understand that kind of indifference
No never, not at all.
This link leads to a link from a journal entry I wrote and a picture drew about how I feel in my relationship with my mother.
https://thescienceofhealingambientabuse.wordpress.com/?attachment_id=46
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved