Archive for the Healing My Own N-traits Category

What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal with tags , , , , , , on October 29, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts. My wounded mother placed a lot of responsibility on me to make her feel good enough and I couldn’t, therefore, she was constantly agitated with what seemed to be me from my perspective as her daughter. What I am learning daily is to take responsibility for my own hurts, wounds, and healing, although, it feels unpleasant, it gets the job of moving from trauma to wholeness done. Anita Baker puts it very sweetly to music in her 1988 hit ‘Good Enough.’ “I just hope you think I’m Good Enough, I hope you think I’m girl enough . . .
As I was walking today I asked that myself some questions. What does it mean to be enough and what does mean to be not good enough? How do I know I feel like I’m not enough? I guess to answer all of those questions its about sensations. I know I feel not good enough because when I go to lets say sing, or better yet to share an idea, a vulnerability, a sacred part of myself, my hearts starts raising, my breathe becomes constricted, I can’t look anyone in the eye, I am getting signals from my body that go to my brain that say there is danger, and my brain turns those signals into words and images that are then interpreted by consciousness as being not good enough. Therefore, I may or may not share myself with others and I’m definitely not motivated to keep moving in those directions with such a scary body sensational and chemical reaction. Here is the healing part. Firstly, I can ask that my mind uncouple the sensations from the images and labeling. Whenever I feel these often time stuck sensations because of what I have learned from somatic experiencing I sit with these sensations and let them arise and pass through my nervous system until I experience some type of relief/release. I do this by tracking my sensations. For example I sit still or lay down some place comfortable and either write, or say these things aloud; I feel a tightness in my back right now, its pounding, its intense, the color is black, I can feel it throbbing, I can feel it getting tighter as I put my awareness on it, I can feel other parts of my body aching, I am having a hard time breathing, I can now feel the tightness in my back releasing, etc . . . You can do this until it is all gone who until you feel like you can’t take any more. Sometimes I ask myself “Can you sit with this sensation for 2 more minutes,” or whatever time makes your mind at ease. Good Enough may just be a since of clear fundamental consciousness, clarity, well being,, a natural state of happiness that is inherent in all of us. Even our N-moms can accomplish this natural state of being if they choose to do the work, they can move from trauma to wholeness and goodness. Have a great day. I hope this helps someone because it’s healing for me to share it with you. Keep going, it gets better and better. = }

In-Love,

Aurora B.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Wrong Reflection

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

If people aren’t like you

What are they like?

If  I’m not like you

What am I like?

people can  see me

Can’t they?

I should ask them

“What am I like?”

I need to hear flatteries

Saying nothing about me is just as bad as

Shame triggering poisonous attacks

makes me try harder

to be lovable

Like other people

My reflection’s off

I was trapped in the mirror

The fire of my awareness

Melted the hard walls

allowing me to see

Different directions

Into a maze

The journey is a labyrinth

my psycho experience

my somatic experience

No longer frozen in a reflection

I feel ablazed with sensations.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Self-Hate Embrace

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 28, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

Why should I trust you again

I had to love you

Silent wars on you

Couldn’t Breathe without you

Hard to sleep, nightmares about you

How did it feel

Getting your ass handed to you

The Door slammed in your face

At 18 pregnant with me

The memory is in the fibers of matrix

I could probably feel it for you, for us

Everything you said and did I was connected to you

All your snacks attached to me

Coconut Cakes, pickles

Sadness and shame

God she wasn’t on my side

Couldn’t you see it

She wouldn’t let me grow

She wouldn’t let me go

I had to drink the stuff that she is made up of

Poisonous vile acidity hatred

Cut for miles in a molten river down my spine

Some other people swim in my Nile

And we dance together

It’s a side of them

That only I see

I am the Hated ONE

It’s ok to hate me

I don’t understand why come

As fabulous as I am

God made me beautiful, as you can see

I am the the epitome of creativty

My hips are perfectly round

My skin like melt

My heart so soft

My eyes the depth

I like to move

I love to shake

I sing better than the birds

Your heart will melt

I am a mixture of the joy and the pain

I accept them both

I accept my self hatred as part of my growth.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Wasteland Love

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, Poems, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
Come join me in my wasteland
I promise I have a cure
I lure you into my fakeland
No Faceland
empty promiseland
subract and minus and
Void
plus you
There are things you will find
I do it to myself
Questionings, Doubt, can’t feel and don’t move
Scouring and Burning
The sensations devouring
I didn’t mean to
Now that I know
My path is mine to plow
Wasteland, It’s mine to devour
All the horror
All the wandering
The Doubts and Questionings
I have other eras inside this lifetime
I used to spend time with Leon
It was like air back then
Air doesn’t stand still
How do I keep up with the wind
I peak back at us
That ease
Walking down the dirt road
I stand still in my storm
I see three abandoned dogs
Counting the cost in the prairie
Should one, they leave and come with me
Or stay, stay together has a family
What was I thinking?
They will find their own way
They have a family on the farm
They will find their way
Leaving them behind I change but at a slow pace.
 
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Am I Dead?

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Subservient
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
Shaking
In Pain
REtarded and 
Inflamed
Frozen and 
Trapped
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
Immature
I wanted so much for them to be
Mature 
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

What Blue Ivy Will Never Have to Feel aka Trauma Vortex

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on August 4, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)
8 legs in the air frantically frailling
Somebody abandoned the infant
Like she was a roach, a turtle, or a centipede that always screams like that anyway
Bombastic squeals that no one ever hears
Only what’s behind my obvious poker face reveals, the
Fire in the bottom of my back
Rage and under – attack
Girl ain’t nobody hurting you
What the hell is wrong with you then?
Un-loving invalidation hypnotizing trauma spin
Full on tank and machine gun invasion
Crashing into the foundation where I sleep
The mirror is repetitive begging before my mom again
Can I stay with you
Can I be with you
Will you take me in
Oh, we aren’t really that close of friends
The vortex that always pulls me into
those beliefs,
those feelings
A whirlpool of energy
Swirling furious energy
I just have to be alone
Be Alone
Within IT – not me
Re-experiencing
unpleasant sensations
Letting go by embracing
Malnourishment
I never had
Never will
Somehow going to hell
Heals
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Moving out of Victim Consciousness / Experiencing Discomfort and Goodness

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

The very need to for me to have created a false image in place of my authentic self is a sign that something hurt me very deeply. The sign that my authentic self was judged as wrong or bad and that I took on those beliefs. I wanted to be someone else if the real me was so bad and horrible.  Since everything about me was on display and ridiculed at any given moment I couldn’t enjoy being alive.  My face became sullen so that no one can ever see my emotions, my shoulders have been slumped down because I’m carrying this heavy burden inside, I am realizing that I’ve been barely been breathing. After years of hiding the shame I feel I have now contacted  my true sensations, which is my true self, through somatic experiencing.  When I cut myself off from inner sensation and feelings of aliveness were replaced with getting attention, masturbation, sugar, television, gossip, and etc . . . All very short lived ways to cope with the lack of connection and longing I felt and still feel.

Dr. Peter A. Levine is the author of Healing Trauma and How to Release Trauma and Restore Goodness.  I also have his audio CD’s on Itunes he walks you you through step by step how to go from feeling numb to feeling alive (happy, peace), I started out completely numb and disassociated from any feelings in my body, now I am able to use the good feelings to heal the chaotic mass.

For the past couple of days I have been learning from  Dr. Jewel Pookrum who has been enlightening me on a bunch of topics but what really resonated with me was her lectures on victim consciousness. I decided that I do believe that I experienced cruelity for a reason that is karma related (which is my own personal belief that hasn’t just come about in a couple of days) and when I ask myself what I learned from my n-mom the most miraculous thing happens. I feel as though I am rising above being a victim being. I have began to stop avoiding the uncomfortable sensations when I see a picture of my n-mom in my mind.  Instead I feel the sensations and ask what is this being here to teach me, what am I here to teach her?

This doesn’t mean that I am not an advocate for survivors of abuse being exactly where they are in their process because I believe that I had to absolutely feel every ounce of rage that I had held in for sooooo long. It was eating me up inside and I projected the conflict I feel inside outside of myself in the form of  this everlasting enemy that seemed to be around every corner. Somatic Experiencing has helped me face the horrible sensations, the horrible sensations when allowed to be felt and held in the space of awareness actual turn into light feathery good pleasurable sensations. Sensations don’t have a face or situation, they’re just sensations.

So, now I am off to a silent retreat which is such a poetic love story to myself, from myself  because I feel like I am coming into a new dawn of my experience. I don’t believe there will be any more rants because my new question to myself when I experience something that is uncomfortable is, why did I create this, what can I learn from this?

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Invulnerability of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Grieving

Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)

I am feeling so numb and broken down right now. I feel like some people don’t like me because there is no entry point, I don’t let people “in,” and I demand respect/boundaries. I shut people out and I show them what I want to show them. I told you all that my N-mom was stalking me right? Well, I quit my job because that is where I saw her stalking me. That incident made not want to leave the house and sometimes I’m still scared at night that she may pop up at my home. I went and tried to get my job back and they won’t let me come back, “because of the way I left.” This is really hard for me to take because of the nature of this job, they do what they want to do, it’s very disorganized, but I go up there to do some returns and get my job back and they have already erased me out of the system and I’m not re – hireable. I wanted to fight and argue for a losing battle, for a job that I don’t even really want back, but I decided not to fight just for the sake of fighting, so I’ll look at my triggers instead. Here is what I found.

I went inside my body and found that I feel very tense around my spine and torso area. The memory flashed into my mind of me standing before my mother like I am on trial while she grills me. Every other day she would call me into her room so that she lecture me about things I have done wrong, mistakes I’ve made, my attitude, the dishes, why I can never finish anything, and anything else just so that she could dismiss me and give the cold shoulder, and tell me to get out of her face because I disgust her. I would stand so tall and strong just nodding my head holding onto my own secret feelings and thoughts about what was happening to me. In my life most people don’t give me any sympathy, and I think because of my stance. I come across like I am so strong, like I don’t need anybody. I just never wanted her to see me break down anymore than she had already broken me. It was never enough for her. I lost my will to live and my spirit was broken, she wanted me to lose my mind too. I am starting to see that if I want to live a well balanced life that I have to be empathetic and sympathetic towards myself let those parts of me that I have to be soooo strong break down so that I can live again. Invulnerability really weakens you. Most of my numbness is on my left side, the feminine side. My ability to receive love, appreciation, affection, goodness, compliments, abundance, as been retarded by having to take this stance in order to protect myself from my N-mom. And I have already began to grieve. . .

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved