I would like to thank you blog. I would like to thank you guys in the comments. I wrote through the self-doubt, tightness, kundalini awakenings, bad and ugly feelings. I did my best to put together the words so that it could make sense to someone else. And I did it. I survived and its been a long trek but I am onward to thriving. I never gave up, the universe is within us all. We don’t have to settle for this low level of life that includes the murdering of our soul. I will never take this blog down. It is for you. It means the world to me to make it through all of this. I know a lot now. I know how to have mother nature be there for me. Mother nature loves me and nourishes me and I have a spiritual team that is there just for me as a human being living on this planet. I know who I am too. I am an active functioning part of the Mother Goddess Consciousness. I am here to help us. I am capable too. I am growing. I am pleased with myself. I have done good work. I have turned lemons into aid. Peace to you. Peace to us. Within and Without.
My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me
Posted in Uncategorized on June 22, 2014 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)Word UP. . . I have to remind myself.
She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and total disbelief and was infuriated. I chased her down into the grocery store and confronted her. I asked her what she was doing here, who told her she could come to where I live, and I told her that she knew I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from me. She acted oblivious and innocent saying, “I’m just living my life, what? I didn’t tell the family I was here with you,” as she was hunching her shoulders and putting her arms up like she is on the defense.
One of…
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What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?
Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal with tags good enough, healing, narcisistic mother, not good enough, process, sensations, somatic experiencing on October 29, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts. My wounded mother placed a lot of responsibility on me to make her feel good enough and I couldn’t, therefore, she was constantly agitated with what seemed to be me from my perspective as her daughter. What I am learning daily is to take responsibility for my own hurts, wounds, and healing, although, it feels unpleasant, it gets the job of moving from trauma to wholeness done. Anita Baker puts it very sweetly to music in her 1988 hit ‘Good Enough.’ “I just hope you think I’m Good Enough, I hope you think I’m girl enough . . .
As I was walking today I asked that myself some questions. What does it mean to be enough and what does mean to be not good enough? How do I know I feel like I’m not enough? I guess to answer all of those questions its about sensations. I know I feel not good enough because when I go to lets say sing, or better yet to share an idea, a vulnerability, a sacred part of myself, my hearts starts raising, my breathe becomes constricted, I can’t look anyone in the eye, I am getting signals from my body that go to my brain that say there is danger, and my brain turns those signals into words and images that are then interpreted by consciousness as being not good enough. Therefore, I may or may not share myself with others and I’m definitely not motivated to keep moving in those directions with such a scary body sensational and chemical reaction. Here is the healing part. Firstly, I can ask that my mind uncouple the sensations from the images and labeling. Whenever I feel these often time stuck sensations because of what I have learned from somatic experiencing I sit with these sensations and let them arise and pass through my nervous system until I experience some type of relief/release. I do this by tracking my sensations. For example I sit still or lay down some place comfortable and either write, or say these things aloud; I feel a tightness in my back right now, its pounding, its intense, the color is black, I can feel it throbbing, I can feel it getting tighter as I put my awareness on it, I can feel other parts of my body aching, I am having a hard time breathing, I can now feel the tightness in my back releasing, etc . . . You can do this until it is all gone who until you feel like you can’t take any more. Sometimes I ask myself “Can you sit with this sensation for 2 more minutes,” or whatever time makes your mind at ease. Good Enough may just be a since of clear fundamental consciousness, clarity, well being,, a natural state of happiness that is inherent in all of us. Even our N-moms can accomplish this natural state of being if they choose to do the work, they can move from trauma to wholeness and goodness. Have a great day. I hope this helps someone because it’s healing for me to share it with you. Keep going, it gets better and better. = }
In-Love,
Aurora B.
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
The Wrong Reflection
Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags anger, childhood abuse, feeling your feelings, getting better, healing, Horrible Childhood, hurt, narcissistic father, narcissistic mother, rage, Self-Love on March 15, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)If people aren’t like you
What are they like?
If I’m not like you
What am I like?
people can see me
Can’t they?
I should ask them
“What am I like?”
I need to hear flatteries
Saying nothing about me is just as bad as
Shame triggering poisonous attacks
makes me try harder
to be lovable
Like other people
My reflection’s off
I was trapped in the mirror
The fire of my awareness
Melted the hard walls
allowing me to see
Different directions
Into a maze
The journey is a labyrinth
my psycho experience
my somatic experience
No longer frozen in a reflection
I feel ablazed with sensations.
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding
Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, How to Heal, Rants, Uncategorized with tags Being the oldest, dysfunctional family, healing, healthy, Narcissist, narcissistic mother, narcissistic parents, self hatred, self-respect on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.
As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.
After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.
I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.
<warm tight hugs to you>
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
I want to be lost
Posted in Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags healthy, narcissistic mother, psychology, Self-Love, somatic experiencing on January 7, 2013 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
The Fairest of them All . . . Finally
Posted in My Childhood, shorts with tags acceptace, healing, hopelessness, lost chidhood, narcissistic mother, PTSD, Self-Love, trauma on September 29, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)“Hey, when she calls, right, tell her ass that I locked myself in my room, and I’m sitt’in in the corner rock’in and I’m say’in,” makes retarded gesture and in the ghostly voice says, “whhhy . . . whhy . . . whhhhy.”
The two sisters burst into laughter.
“What the hell!,” Olivia can barely contain her laughter. “Okay, I’ll do it. Buuut . . . ,” she didn’t understand why she was doing it.
“. . . That’s what she wants to hear right?,” Constance knows that if they do it all types of things will be set into motion, there will be phone calls made and people that she really doesn’t want worried will feel bad. So instead she compromises, “Fine just tell her I’m in a mental hospital.”
“Okaaaay.”
That gives Constance such a warm feeling of peace inside. Finally, she’ll be telling her mother what she has always wanted to hear, that she is lifeless, that she has given up, she can be the best, the winner now, she can be the fairest of them all. The fight and the struggle for Constance’s peace and happiness will be over, she can go on living her life in without worrying if her mother is going to be lurking around the corner trying to sabotage the existence of her happiness.
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
Self-Hate Embrace
Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Uncategorized with tags are you?, embrace, i am pam, narcissistic mother, self forgiveness, self hatred, self healing, Self-Love on September 28, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)Why should I trust you again
I had to love you
Silent wars on you
Couldn’t Breathe without you
Hard to sleep, nightmares about you
How did it feel
Getting your ass handed to you
The Door slammed in your face
At 18 pregnant with me
The memory is in the fibers of matrix
I could probably feel it for you, for us
Everything you said and did I was connected to you
All your snacks attached to me
Coconut Cakes, pickles
Sadness and shame
God she wasn’t on my side
Couldn’t you see it
She wouldn’t let me grow
She wouldn’t let me go
I had to drink the stuff that she is made up of
Poisonous vile acidity hatred
Cut for miles in a molten river down my spine
Some other people swim in my Nile
And we dance together
It’s a side of them
That only I see
I am the Hated ONE
It’s ok to hate me
I don’t understand why come
As fabulous as I am
God made me beautiful, as you can see
I am the the epitome of creativty
My hips are perfectly round
My skin like melt
My heart so soft
My eyes the depth
I like to move
I love to shake
I sing better than the birds
Your heart will melt
I am a mixture of the joy and the pain
I accept them both
I accept my self hatred as part of my growth.
© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
Wasteland Love
Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, Poems, Uncategorized with tags cause effect, child abuse, empty space, knowing yourself, looking back, new beginnings, poem, reminecing, self healing, Self-Love on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)Am I Dead?
Posted in Healing My Own N-traits, My Childhood, Poems, Rants, Uncategorized with tags abused, children, Growing up, healing process, honesty, hurt feelings, intuition, knowing yourself, narcissistic mother, poem, self healing, Self-Love, self-respect, True Self, trust, unloving mother on September 12, 2012 by The Dawn (Aya Aja)My dreams never came true Am I dead? My biggest shame. My biggest melt down in life. I have never come back from Something in me has given up For all time I suppressed this The thought 'I minus well be a stripper' because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection Instead of an object of hatred and disgust Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got I thought that it was all my fault I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being And I mean couldn't help I mean I understand that she did the best that she could I bow my head in compassion But I am in knots I can barely live I can barely move And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true Am I dead? I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you Defined by your personal restrictions How come I can't figure it out as I go along Oh well, we've already been through this I really am done with that part Subservient Cut me like a tree I'm nubbed Shaking In Pain REtarded and Inflamed Frozen and Trapped Demented, tormented By Bigger and Older People Immature I wanted so much for them to be Mature To give me advice To be the one I called on To encourage me when I fail To catch me when I fall They all want me to just accept them for who they are What does that mean? I will only know when. © 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved
