I Made It/ We Made It

I would like to thank you blog. I would like to thank you guys in the comments. I wrote through the self-doubt, tightness, kundalini awakenings, bad and ugly feelings. I did my best to put together the words so that it could make sense to someone else. And I did it. I survived and its been a long trek but I am onward to thriving. I never gave up, the universe is within us all. We don’t have to settle for this low level of life that includes the murdering of our soul. I will never take this blog down. It is for you. It means the world to me to make it through all of this. I know a lot now. I know how to have mother nature be there for me. Mother nature loves me and nourishes me and I have a spiritual team that is there just for me as a human being living on this planet. I know who I am too. I am an active functioning part of the Mother Goddess Consciousness. I am here to help us. I am capable too. I am growing. I am pleased with myself. I have done good work. I have turned lemons into aid.  Peace to you. Peace to us. Within and Without.

My Narcissistic Mother is STalking Me

Word UP. . . I have to remind myself.

Healing Ambient Abuse

She’s here. She found me. Yesterday I was walking out of my job and she comes from around the corner like its normal for us to see each other and she says,”Hi,” and keeps walking into the grocery store while I’m shouting her name. I couldn’t believe it was her. I was in complete and total disbelief and was infuriated. I chased her down into the grocery store and confronted her. I asked her what she was doing here, who told her she could come to where I live, and I told her that she knew I never wanted to see her again and to stay away from me. She acted oblivious and innocent saying, “I’m just living my life, what? I didn’t tell the family I was here with you,” as she was hunching her shoulders and putting her arms up like she is on the defense.

One of…

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What does it mean to be Good Enough or Not Good Enough?

I’m in a romantic relationship. Relationships in general are hard for me whether its romantic or not. I can be very biting and wounded animal-ish. It brings out my shadows and demons. I just don’t feel good enough and I’m afraid that people feel that way about me. That’s a sensation that cuts and hurts. My wounded mother placed a lot of responsibility on me to make her feel good enough and I couldn’t, therefore, she was constantly agitated with what seemed to be me from my perspective as her daughter. What I am learning daily is to take responsibility for my own hurts, wounds, and healing, although, it feels unpleasant, it gets the job of moving from trauma to wholeness done. Anita Baker puts it very sweetly to music in her 1988 hit ‘Good Enough.’ “I just hope you think I’m Good Enough, I hope you think I’m girl enough . . .
As I was walking today I asked that myself some questions. What does it mean to be enough and what does mean to be not good enough? How do I know I feel like I’m not enough? I guess to answer all of those questions its about sensations. I know I feel not good enough because when I go to lets say sing, or better yet to share an idea, a vulnerability, a sacred part of myself, my hearts starts raising, my breathe becomes constricted, I can’t look anyone in the eye, I am getting signals from my body that go to my brain that say there is danger, and my brain turns those signals into words and images that are then interpreted by consciousness as being not good enough. Therefore, I may or may not share myself with others and I’m definitely not motivated to keep moving in those directions with such a scary body sensational and chemical reaction. Here is the healing part. Firstly, I can ask that my mind uncouple the sensations from the images and labeling. Whenever I feel these often time stuck sensations because of what I have learned from somatic experiencing I sit with these sensations and let them arise and pass through my nervous system until I experience some type of relief/release. I do this by tracking my sensations. For example I sit still or lay down some place comfortable and either write, or say these things aloud; I feel a tightness in my back right now, its pounding, its intense, the color is black, I can feel it throbbing, I can feel it getting tighter as I put my awareness on it, I can feel other parts of my body aching, I am having a hard time breathing, I can now feel the tightness in my back releasing, etc . . . You can do this until it is all gone who until you feel like you can’t take any more. Sometimes I ask myself “Can you sit with this sensation for 2 more minutes,” or whatever time makes your mind at ease. Good Enough may just be a since of clear fundamental consciousness, clarity, well being,, a natural state of happiness that is inherent in all of us. Even our N-moms can accomplish this natural state of being if they choose to do the work, they can move from trauma to wholeness and goodness. Have a great day. I hope this helps someone because it’s healing for me to share it with you. Keep going, it gets better and better. = }

In-Love,

Aurora B.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Wrong Reflection

If people aren’t like you

What are they like?

If  I’m not like you

What am I like?

people can  see me

Can’t they?

I should ask them

“What am I like?”

I need to hear flatteries

Saying nothing about me is just as bad as

Shame triggering poisonous attacks

makes me try harder

to be lovable

Like other people

My reflection’s off

I was trapped in the mirror

The fire of my awareness

Melted the hard walls

allowing me to see

Different directions

Into a maze

The journey is a labyrinth

my psycho experience

my somatic experience

No longer frozen in a reflection

I feel ablazed with sensations.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

As My Life Changes there is Beginning to BE some Consistency – My Self-Understanding

Sometimes I’m ashamed of where I’m at because choosing to do the truth after I’ve lived a lie for so long is like turning the titanic around. There were so many shields of protection that I was using to keep the truth about my patterns hidden from me.

As I desire to be as unentangled as possible from others’ psychic demands, intentions, and motives, I, of course uncover my own selfishness. Breaking the bonds of what some call co-dependancy isn’t about making anyone the evil guilty friend but it’s been more about breaking my own addictions to bonds that don’t serve who I really feel I AM. I find myself standing up for my boundaries and then feeling kinda of lonely and having to be strong enough within myself to not go back to what is not healthy for me. Thats how I transform, sitting with all the panic, terror, anger, sadness, embracing and letting it all be there, the thoughts, the shame, the trapped instinctual energy, all of it, all of it.

After I saw my mother just hanging randomly by my job after 3 years of no contact, I turned my world upside down just to flee from her. My basic survival fear wound was opened completely and I was terrified that she was going to come kill me.

I ended up homeless in Orlando, FL, I was with my sisters, and I saw that all that worrying that was doing about them was futile. And my fantasy of happily ever after just because I had found a little ‘come to jesus’ made me delightfully indifferent. Why? Because I saw how deeply entrenched my family was in the pattern and how deeply devoted everyone is to being loyal to the system that I have fought so hard to run from, to tear away from, to break free from, emancipated from, grow – on from, learn from, be compassionate with myself, accept, then, embracing myself under my favorite blanket, watching my favorite show, blogging, singing, writing, hot baths, crying, going for walks, journaling, occasionally talking to a friend, being a friend . . . to me.

<warm tight hugs to you>

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

I want to be lost

I want to be lost

I’ve used that as a shield

never before have I looked up to you

and not have to feel sherds of self protection

I don’t want to be hardened

I don’t want that part of my life to be real

I’ve tried to knock myself out

The parts of me that could never fight you

Because I couldn’t understand what was happening

I don’t understand what to do with the sensation

that has to fight

I’m afraid I’m gonna die

So i’ve been trying not to  live

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

The Fairest of them All . . . Finally

“Hey, when she calls, right, tell her ass that I locked myself in my room, and I’m sitt’in in the corner rock’in  and I’m say’in,” makes retarded gesture and in the ghostly voice says, “whhhy . . . whhy . . . whhhhy.”

The two sisters burst into laughter.

“What the hell!,” Olivia can barely contain her  laughter. “Okay, I’ll do it. Buuut . . . ,” she didn’t understand why she was doing it.

“. . . That’s what she wants to hear right?,” Constance knows that if they do it all types of things will be set into motion, there will be phone calls made and people that she really doesn’t want worried will feel bad. So instead she compromises, “Fine just tell her I’m in a mental hospital.”

“Okaaaay.”

That gives Constance such a warm feeling of peace inside. Finally, she’ll be telling her mother what she has always wanted to hear, that she is lifeless, that she has given up, she can be the best, the winner now, she can be the fairest of them all. The fight and the struggle for Constance’s peace and happiness will be over, she can go on living her life in without worrying if  her mother  is going to be lurking around the corner trying to sabotage the existence of her happiness.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Self-Hate Embrace

Why should I trust you again

I had to love you

Silent wars on you

Couldn’t Breathe without you

Hard to sleep, nightmares about you

How did it feel

Getting your ass handed to you

The Door slammed in your face

At 18 pregnant with me

The memory is in the fibers of matrix

I could probably feel it for you, for us

Everything you said and did I was connected to you

All your snacks attached to me

Coconut Cakes, pickles

Sadness and shame

God she wasn’t on my side

Couldn’t you see it

She wouldn’t let me grow

She wouldn’t let me go

I had to drink the stuff that she is made up of

Poisonous vile acidity hatred

Cut for miles in a molten river down my spine

Some other people swim in my Nile

And we dance together

It’s a side of them

That only I see

I am the Hated ONE

It’s ok to hate me

I don’t understand why come

As fabulous as I am

God made me beautiful, as you can see

I am the the epitome of creativty

My hips are perfectly round

My skin like melt

My heart so soft

My eyes the depth

I like to move

I love to shake

I sing better than the birds

Your heart will melt

I am a mixture of the joy and the pain

I accept them both

I accept my self hatred as part of my growth.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Wasteland Love

Come join me in my wasteland

I promise I have a cure

I lure you into my fakeland

No Faceland

empty promiseland

subract and minus and

Void

plus you

There are things you will find

I do it to myself

Questionings, Doubt, can’t feel and don’t move

Scouring and Burning

The sensations devouring

I didn’t mean to

Now that I know

My path is mine to plow

Wasteland, It’s mine to devour

All the horror

All the wandering

The Doubts and Questionings

I have other eras inside this lifetime

I used to spend time with Leon

It was like air back then

Air doesn’t stand still

How do I keep up with the wind

I peak back at us

That ease

Walking down the dirt road

I stand still in my storm

I see three abandoned dogs

Counting the cost in the prairie

Should one, they leave and come with me

Or stay, stay together has a family

What was I thinking?

They will find their own way

They have a family on the farm

They will find their way

Leaving them behind I change but at a slow pace.

 

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved

Am I Dead?

My dreams never came true
Am I dead?
My biggest shame.
My biggest melt down in life.
I have never come back from
Something in me has given up
For all time
I suppressed this
The thought
'I minus well be a stripper'
because I felt that becoming an object of a man's sexual desire
Would be the only way for me to have any form of affection or be desired
Wanted, Liked, looked at as an object of love and affection
Instead of an object of hatred and disgust
Yes I was an object of hatred and disgust
My mother couldn't help but roll her eyes at me every chance she got
I thought that it was all my fault
I thought that I couldn't do anything right or worthy of a happy reaction
My mother couldn't help but to put down my life and way of being
And I mean couldn't help
I mean I understand that she did the best that she could
I bow my head in compassion
But I am in knots
I can barely live
I can barely move
And I can't seem to make myself function to make my dreams come true
Am I dead?
I didn't want to be specified or tied down by you
Defined by your personal restrictions
How come I can't figure it out as I go along
Oh well, we've already been through this
I really am done with that part
Subservient
Cut me like a tree
I'm nubbed 
Shaking
In Pain
REtarded and 
Inflamed
Frozen and 
Trapped
Demented, tormented
By Bigger and Older People 
Immature
I wanted so much for them to be
Mature 
To give me advice
To be the one I called on
To encourage me when I fail
To catch me when I fall
They all want me to just accept them for who they are
What does that mean?
I will only know when.

© 2012 IAP Art Group ™ All Rights Reserved